Monthly Archives: August 2007

Missing the cake

Today is my sister’s birthday. She won’t be reading this for a few days because she’s at the country and there’s no internet or wifi at the countryhouse. We tried to pick up a network last weekend, but no luck, struck out, went without.

I’m not able to be there tonight for the dinner and the cake and the party. I wish I could be. Honestly though, truth is, I actually could be, it’s just that I’d have to rush the kids tonight and tomorrow and I don’t want to do that. I won’t be my best and my sister deserves the best. I’ll be going down on Sunday with my other sister and the three of us will be together for the first time this summer. I’m hoping I can convince them to enjoy the country highlife.

My guitar is back. It was in the shop all week having the action lowered and a new “nut” made to spread the strings out. I strummed on it for a couple of minutes when I got home. Right after I type this, I’m filing my nails so I’ll be ready when the kids go to bed. When I play the guitar I don’t think. The things that play on my mind, leave me through the chords and the vibrations. It’s a meditation, one I can get into for hours and I feel clean afterwards, like I’m ready for more of life to enter in.

Tomorrow Lilly gets married to Ryan. Ryan is the one that makes her shiver.

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Secondary

So I told you about the tarot card reading the other day. Well, I thought I understood it, but today my life coach encouraged me to refeel it. On a second glimpse it may have another meaning. The Primary thought was what I was focusing on when I sat down for the reading. The Secondary is what’s been haunting me my whole life, not just what was spooking me at the moment. If there’s a Tertiary thought it will have to come to me in a dream, I’m tired of thinking about it.

Korey peed in my bed tonight. Drank 3 cups of water and then layed next to me and peed. I was peed-off to say the least and used some foul language.  Now I have a fresh bed to sleep in tonight. Thanks Korey. I’ll be up in a minute to tuck you in sweetheart.

Tomorrow is Adam’s last day. For the past 8 months he has brought my vision to life. Now, I can do some good design, but I digg Adam’s style. I can hack through code, but I can’t build it from scratch. I can see how I want things to look and know how I want them to work, and Adam makes it happen. I will miss him. Not just for his skill and talent but for his warmth and youth and the way he relaxes into everything he does. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time Adam. I know you have a great future ahead of you. And, I know you’re reading this because you read my blog everyday. The stats don’t lie buddy.


Dashing in the wind

He scoured the landscape, searching for the forgotten, tossed-aside item he held so tightly just moments before. How could he be so careless? He missed it now, like the tide misses the moon. If only he hadn’t staggered and looked the other way, he would still be holding his prize. The wind danced through the trees, mocking him. Foolhearty soul it screamed. From the distance he thought he saw a twinkle. Could it be? He ran, panting his way toward a sliver of hope. He longed to hold it again, feel its warmth. Approaching the spot, he turned in sullen circles and bargained with the moon to reveal the truth. Was this the right spot? Maybe over there, he thought, and off he ran again, sweat forming on his brow. His breathing laboured from exasperation and loss, his prize was gone.


Moonlight

Seeing is believing or so they say. I’m stuck between what I hope and what I see and what I’ve been led to believe. My ability to decipher my feelings leads me to uncertainty. Uncertainty about the past, the present and the future. What’s left is only this moment, where I’m comfortable and everything is working just fine. What more could I ask for?

Tonight the full moon came up over the water and we sat around the campfire. The six of us, telling stories, catching up, being friends. Earlier we toured the bay waters and saw dolphins playing in their fields. A family of four doing tricks for us as we chased them around. Mandy was onboard. She loved it. I’m so glad she’s the kind of dog I can take places. She is one of my best friends. In fact, her love is unconditional. The deepest unconditional love. When I cry, she licks my tears away. When I laugh, she smiles. When I yell, she gets out of my way, then comes back to let me know she’s there for me.

Peaceful moments with friends. True friends who give you angels to remember that they think of you. Kathy is volunteering and loving semi-retirement. Miriam has a neighbour with a sick cat. Mallory is working hard and being a Mommy. Debbie is the ultimate soccer Mom. Wanda lives contently in the most beautiful spot and looking forward to Louden in September.  We are all ok. All good. Next month we do it again. I can’t wait for that.


Mistaken Identity

Momma, I love you. I love you and Mandy and Daddy, but not Korey. I don’t like him and I don’t love him.

Oh, I’m sure you love your brother.

No, I don’t. And, I love Kristen too, cause she’s in my family when I’m at Daddy’s.

(breathe)

I’m glad you love Kristin.

Why?

Because she loves you.

Mommy, sometimes I think Kristen is my Mommy.

(breathe)

Do you call her Mommy?

Yesh.

Then what do you say?

Oopsie!

You know who your Mommy is, right?

(snuggle, hug, squishy nose)

Yesh, you’re my Mommy.

Good night sweetheart.

Cuddle me Momma.

Ok.

(Smile)


Affording spare time

Life is so busy, everyone is busy, and tired. The kids aren’t bad, they are just tired. I’m not insane, I’m just busy. I relaxed this weekend at the countryhouse. All by myself on Friday night, except for Mandy who kept me good company and layed at my feet while I played my guitar. I think she’s my first fan. I bought the Hal Leonard book for my lessons with Roger Stone. We start on September 10. Roger said, “get it and read it so you know what things are. I don’t want to be calling things a thingy.” I think I will like Roger.

I actually went through a few of the early lessons and was reading music right away. How cool is that. My fingers are caloused. I’m almost there.

And, Mandy is fat. My sister pointed it out on Saturday. It’s the peanut butter in the kong trick every morning. I am making my dog fat. She’s even taken up snoring. Sounds like a small bear in the room. Tomorrow there will be banana in the kong with a smidgeon of peanut butter. Can’t go cold turkey, which is what I’ll need to do this week, perhaps.

 I woke this morning to the sounds of church chimes. Amazing grace or something similar. After coffee I rushed back to pick up the kids from their two night camping trip. I don’t understand why I just get the passing “hi Mom” with no wraparound hugs after two nights away. Their Dad gets them everytime. I do get them, however, when I pick them up at the sitter, so I’m still getting some. I think they just expect I’ll be back. I guess that’s what being a Mom is all about. Reliable, comforting, expected.

We went to the ACed Discovery Centre. The best idea on a hot day. I learned to mirror write, boy is that f*cked up.

 My sister and Mother are down the country for the week. My Mother is in one of her distracted, one-track-mind bubbles. Asking us questions, not listening to the answer and then asking again 10 minutes later. I don’t envy my sister. She’s going to need lots of Baileys to make it through I think. I don’t think there is anything wrong with my Mother, she’s just got a lot on her mind and she lives in a world where the sky is sometimes a slightly different colour. But, she’s a happy soul and she smiles a lot and she’s kind-hearted and I love her. Stay solid sister!

Pushing something too hard creates tension and resistance. Letting the flow of life fill you creates moments that wrap you in beautiful memories that are all yours and cannot be stripped away.

It was a good weekend, with beautiful memories.


Patience

Adam came with me today. The countdown was on. Fifteen minutes to Buckley’s. He was ready. I was set. Off we went. My intention was to just touch and feel, not actually buy. But I knew I would. I knew once I felt it and heard it, I would buy it. Got a case and a stand, some extra strings and some pics. It sounds nice, or it did when it was in tune. There’s a cool spot on the internet that helps you tune it. I got it right once. Now I’m just tone deaf from listening to an out-of-tune guitar.

My first song to learn was going to be patience by GNR. I think I need to just get some patience. My fingers hurt. The left hand is numb at the tips. Maybe I’ll get the action turned down a bit. And, it came with this humidifier. I’ll let you know when I figure that one out. Doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. “There’s instructions in the bag,” James said.  There were, but they were for how to fill it with water, not how to get the damm thing in the guitar.

I’ll figure it out. I already love it. I can put a few chords together and it sounds ok. Try by Blue Rodeo sounded something like it. I’m impressed. I’ll keep going. Keep strumming. Raging on my strings till I get it. There’s no one here to laugh at me so I’m all set. Who would laugh at someone who wanted to do something cool like playing the guitar anyway? That’s just odd and childish, I think. Well actually, I think it’s fear. But, I guess there are people like that. I’m sure my family will have lots of hysterical laughs at me, when I f*uck up. But you don’t pick your family. Well, you do actually, but you do it before you are born, so it doesn’t count. You can’t be held accountable for how they turned out…haha! Gotcha!


Pergatory

Last night was magical. The country, oh the country. By the water with people who love me no matter what. No matter how long I make them walk to neutralize the buzz. Singing and laughing and talking and sharing. Just a country celebration. The band’s singer had to leave so Katie and I filled in. Now, I’m hit or miss, but Katie is right on. What a beautiful voice. I’m going to buy a guitar tomorrow. Well, at least look and touch one. Katie says she’s ready for next summer when the hill will be alive with the sound of music. You’re welcome to drop down to listen and sing along. There’s lots of room for a tent and plenty of B&Bs around.

I know there is video out there somewhere (Michael). Let’s keep that to ourselves, OK?

I had my tarot cards read at the flea market. Seems I need to let something go. Something that has haunted me a long time. A secret. It was a difficult reading for the nice lady with the pretty eyes. She saw conflict and ruin, the complete loss of something I care about, which will force a new beginning. She also saw my dreams and some magic to lead me through a difficult time. All this and an eagle outcome, which is comforting. I know exactly what it meant, but it’s a secret, remember?

I’m ready to let go and remove myself from this space between two comforts.


Not waiting any more

Down for the count
leaning on a tree
tearing off the speckled bark
oblivious, the tree is me

Searching for the number
shaking at the call
pounding hearts in rhythm
hearts set to fall

Peeking out the window
wondering if it’s true
watching for some movement
hoping that it’s you


Horsing around

“Actually I was just thinking,” she said.

“That can’t be good,” he teased back.

“Oh, it’s very good, just you wait,” she cooed.

His smile was starlight. “I can’t wait.”