Monthly Archives: September 2007

Dating as a single Mom

There’s just one rule.

Don’t go on a date after you’ve had your children all day.

You’ll already be too tired of saying,

“No. Stop.

I said don’t do that.

Don’t touch that.

You’re going to make a mess.”

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Minutes matter

When you’re feeling like no one cares,
you get a message from a friend filled with
fun and empathy, and you smile.

When you’re feeling like you’re not able,
your children hug you and say they love you,
and you smile.

When you’re feeling like the good stuff is taking too long
to come your way, you get a call from an old friend,
and you smile once again.

Life is a mixture of hope, disappointment and intrigue
when we worry, we lose hope.
when we expect, we find disappointment
when we hold each minute as it comes, we experience the intrigue.


Stomach cramps

I’m not feeling well today. Perhaps too much sugary foods which are…um…not good for me. I was awake most of the night and had to beg off work today. I checked my emails though and my voicemails. Nothing urgent, but I miss the structure when I’m sick. Rest is good though, renews the soul.

I must have slept a little last night. I had a dream I was surrounded by close friends and they were encouraging me to do something…I’m not sure what. But the dream was relaxing and when I awoke I felt as if I could take on the world…for a couple of minutes anyway.

Remember that log I was treading in the summer. It’s dry now and I’ve cut it up for firewood. It still keeps me warm but soon it will be nothing more than ashes and I’ll have only the memory of its challenge and conquer. I’ve moved. It’s a good feeling. Maybe that’s what my dream was about.


Soulful ride

I haven’t worn any jewellery for months, but Justin picked out a pair of earings for me to wear today, so I did. I wore them as I ripped up the carpet on my back deck–I finally got tired of looking at it. Even with the chipped paint, it’s still an improvement. My hands took a beating. I have a blister on my thumb to match the dozens on my feet and the calouses on my left finger tips. Sounds like I’m in hard shape, but it’s barely noticeable, I hope. It felt good to take care of things around the house. This summer has been busy. I started off like fireworks on the July weekend, painting the outside of my fence, my front porch, and keeping the dandelions in check. But the days got away from me. My lawn is full of weeds and the bushes in front are in need of shaping. I trimmed them a bit yesterday, but my sheers are quite dull, so it’s a hack job at best.

Does it really matter? Brian’s Mom is back in ICU. She has a blood clot in her neck and they don’t really know what’s going on with her. She may need surgery again. What can I do but pray and hope for the best? Maybe I should have went to church today so I’d be a little closer to God’s ear, if that’s possible.  It’s depressing really, seeing a family in so much pain and so absorbed in worry about someone they love so much. Really adds perspective to your day.

Friday night on the way to Mom’s house Korey asked me how the bones come out of a body when someone dies. I told him they don’t, the skin melts away over time and leaves the bones behind.

“Do they take the bones out before they bury you?”

“No, they bury you with the bones.”

“Then how do you get to heaven?”

“Well, this is important, so listen up. Your soul is in your body. Your body stays on earth and your soul goes to heaven. Then it may come back in another body someday.”

“What is a soul?”

“Your soul is what makes you you. How you feel about things. How you look at life. What makes you happy. What makes you sad. Everything about you comes from your soul. Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering.”


September

Seven years ago today I learned I was pregnant with Korey. The news came just after returning from the funeral home to make arrangements for my father’s wake. It was bittersweet. Something to occupy us and bring happy to the sad day. Sad in a way that we lost such a meaningful person in our lives, but glorious in that he was now ready for peace and to move on. I hope he left knowing everything was ok, that we’d take care of Mom and our lives were full. I wonder if he knew I was pregnant.

The day before he died Mom called to get my help. Dad had slipped out of his wheelchair and she couldn’t lift him back up. I rushed over and I remember telling him that I was married and wondered if he remembered that day just one year earlier. I didn’t know by 11:00 that night I’d be back again to say a final goodbye. We thought Mom had just given him too much food. We didn’t realize how very sick he was. He left. But inside of me there was life. Now a happy six year old who thrills at computer games, loves to learn and gives me lots of love.

Five years ago tomorrow, I found out I was pregnant with Justin.

September is such an important month, don’t you think?


What was I thinking?

So you know the book, “He’s just not that into you”? Well, I bought it and read it Saturday night, it’s extremely funny. What was I thinking all this time. I love being single, I’m learning so much about myself and relationships. I know I’m not ready for one yet, I’ve got a long way to go. But, boy, lookout cause I’m going to be awesome at it soon. Can you earn a degree in relationships? I suppose the course would require co-operative learning experiences.

It’s all very cerebral though. I need some zen influence to balance it out. Is there a buddhist book on relationships? If there is, I’m sure it will say something like, “so, you got together, you liked each other, it was nice. Well, how nice. It’s now part of you and you can hold it or release it, but put no expectation around it and you won’t be disappointed.” 

Ah, that feels much better than rejection.


Prayers

Brian’s Mom had her surgery last night. They opened her up and removed part of her small intestine and found the cancer had spread to her colon, so they took some of that too. The surgeons were really pleased with the outcome, but Brian says she looks terrible, with tubes everywhere. He’s so scared. I wish I could hold him and take his pain away. I’ll hold him in my heart, that might help. And, I’m praying for his Mom to recover, to be well again to enjoy her family and grandchildren.

She’s being moved to ICU and they are giving her a blood transfusion because her blood count was so low.


Instructions to the universe

Healthy happy children.

Prosperous meaningful, fulfilling and fun career.

Healthy body, healthy mind, joyful soul.

Deep and lasting friendships.

Carefree living.

A lover I can count on.

Soulful connections.

The right to change my mind.


The opener

They played in each other’s world, searching for warmth. Finally, the mountains gave way and they met in the valley of hope.

“What are you looking for?” he asked.

She paused, looked softly into his eyes, then very quietly responded. “Humans are sexual creatures. I know this and feel impulses too. What I’m looking for is someone who is respectful enough to want more for me.”


I’m sorry…

With the Canadian dollar so high it seems a good time to start purchasing some online e-books. I purchased one but returned it and still got to keep the free CD gift, which I won’t be opening until next month’s Credit Card bill arrives and I’m assured I’m not being charged for it. The second, I haven’t finished yet, but I may return it within the 30 day trial. I’m very confused by all the consultative advice I’m getting online, so I was skeptical to purchase this latest one, but, you know, it’s good. It’s what I need right now. It’s giving me a recipe for speaking from my heart and allowing myself permission to say what I want without fear of rejection or pissing someone off. Something 4 different psychologists have been telling me for years.

I actually blame this inability to converse my truth on the alignment of the stars when I was born. I’m a Scorpio with an ascendant in Libra and a Pisces moon. So, I’m passionate on the inside and think way too much, but my outward demeanor is balancing and compromising, more concerned with everyone else’s happiness. Deepening this colundrum is that my thoughts are gentle and sweet, not wanting to ruffle feathers, let alone stir the ocean to wave.

I’m learning to develop the strength to be vulnerable. Wish me luck!