There’s just one rule.

Don’t go on a date after you’ve had your children all day.

You’ll already be too tired of saying,

“No. Stop.

I said don’t do that.

Don’t touch that.

You’re going to make a mess.”

When you’re feeling like no one cares,
you get a message from a friend filled with
fun and empathy, and you smile.

When you’re feeling like you’re not able,
your children hug you and say they love you,
and you smile.

When you’re feeling like the good stuff is taking too long
to come your way, you get a call from an old friend,
and you smile once again.

Life is a mixture of hope, disappointment and intrigue
when we worry, we lose hope.
when we expect, we find disappointment
when we hold each minute as it comes, we experience the intrigue.

I’m not feeling well today. Perhaps too much sugary foods which are…um…not good for me. I was awake most of the night and had to beg off work today. I checked my emails though and my voicemails. Nothing urgent, but I miss the structure when I’m sick. Rest is good though, renews the soul.

I must have slept a little last night. I had a dream I was surrounded by close friends and they were encouraging me to do something…I’m not sure what. But the dream was relaxing and when I awoke I felt as if I could take on the world…for a couple of minutes anyway.

Remember that log I was treading in the summer. It’s dry now and I’ve cut it up for firewood. It still keeps me warm but soon it will be nothing more than ashes and I’ll have only the memory of its challenge and conquer. I’ve moved. It’s a good feeling. Maybe that’s what my dream was about.

Seven years ago today I learned I was pregnant with Korey. The news came just after returning from the funeral home to make arrangements for my father’s wake. It was bittersweet. Something to occupy us and bring happy to the sad day. Sad in a way that we lost such a meaningful person in our lives, but glorious in that he was now ready for peace and to move on. I hope he left knowing everything was ok, that we’d take care of Mom and our lives were full. I wonder if he knew I was pregnant.

The day before he died Mom called to get my help. Dad had slipped out of his wheelchair and she couldn’t lift him back up. I rushed over and I remember telling him that I was married and wondered if he remembered that day just one year earlier. I didn’t know by 11:00 that night I’d be back again to say a final goodbye. We thought Mom had just given him too much food. We didn’t realize how very sick he was. He left. But inside of me there was life. Now a happy six year old who thrills at computer games, loves to learn and gives me lots of love.

Five years ago tomorrow, I found out I was pregnant with Justin.

September is such an important month, don’t you think?

So you know the book, “He’s just not that into you”? Well, I bought it and read it Saturday night, it’s extremely funny. What was I thinking all this time. I love being single, I’m learning so much about myself and relationships. I know I’m not ready for one yet, I’ve got a long way to go. But, boy, lookout cause I’m going to be awesome at it soon. Can you earn a degree in relationships? I suppose the course would require co-operative learning experiences.

It’s all very cerebral though. I need some zen influence to balance it out. Is there a buddhist book on relationships? If there is, I’m sure it will say something like, “so, you got together, you liked each other, it was nice. Well, how nice. It’s now part of you and you can hold it or release it, but put no expectation around it and you won’t be disappointed.” 

Ah, that feels much better than rejection.

Brian’s Mom had her surgery last night. They opened her up and removed part of her small intestine and found the cancer had spread to her colon, so they took some of that too. The surgeons were really pleased with the outcome, but Brian says she looks terrible, with tubes everywhere. He’s so scared. I wish I could hold him and take his pain away. I’ll hold him in my heart, that might help. And, I’m praying for his Mom to recover, to be well again to enjoy her family and grandchildren.

She’s being moved to ICU and they are giving her a blood transfusion because her blood count was so low.

Healthy happy children.

Prosperous meaningful, fulfilling and fun career.

Healthy body, healthy mind, joyful soul.

Deep and lasting friendships.

Carefree living.

A lover I can count on.

Soulful connections.

The right to change my mind.

With the Canadian dollar so high it seems a good time to start purchasing some online e-books. I purchased one but returned it and still got to keep the free CD gift, which I won’t be opening until next month’s Credit Card bill arrives and I’m assured I’m not being charged for it. The second, I haven’t finished yet, but I may return it within the 30 day trial. I’m very confused by all the consultative advice I’m getting online, so I was skeptical to purchase this latest one, but, you know, it’s good. It’s what I need right now. It’s giving me a recipe for speaking from my heart and allowing myself permission to say what I want without fear of rejection or pissing someone off. Something 4 different psychologists have been telling me for years.

I actually blame this inability to converse my truth on the alignment of the stars when I was born. I’m a Scorpio with an ascendant in Libra and a Pisces moon. So, I’m passionate on the inside and think way too much, but my outward demeanor is balancing and compromising, more concerned with everyone else’s happiness. Deepening this colundrum is that my thoughts are gentle and sweet, not wanting to ruffle feathers, let alone stir the ocean to wave.

I’m learning to develop the strength to be vulnerable. Wish me luck!