My time is merely an instant.
I look like all the rest
until you get close enough
to see my edges
and the places I sparkle.
When the fog rolls in
to take me home—I will remember you,
and come back another day.
When the sky is filled with clouds
and there’s a chill in the air.
And I land on your cheek to say hello.
[on impermanence]
This sandbox.
With its dreamy, pristine white sand,
untouched by the weather—soothing and
full of possibilities.
No lumps or stray grass.
With rakes and buckets to create castles
and tear them down and start again.
Over and over
until they are just right—for today anyway.
I want to protect this with a glass dome
so passersby can adore it too,
without spoiling its innocence.
I want to protect this.
[on friendships]
The world will take its shape
and we will all float through it thinking
we somehow manifested our wins.
Aren’t we clever?
The losses we blame on the wrong place
at the wrong time—or the right place to ensure
we don’t grow too tall in our britches.
The ones we were given when we were 8.
We carry fear and love and a longing for
meaning and connection, not realizing we are
already entwined.
Our deepest desires are seen only by the moon
or the brazen stars that streak by to get a closer look.
Our thoughts are not who we are, they tickle and terrorize
us into movement and stillness—ever waiting for that
moment of grandeur. To throw their arms up in
celebration—See, I told you I could make her cry.
I just want to sit here and be ok with what is
and call it happiness with or without a witness
And come through the inevitable drama unscathed—as if
that’s the medicine for a gentle life.
[This came out today. It seems a little sad. I promise to share the fun stuff once I clear away the dust.]
Three months into retirement. I’m finding my creativity again, although this is my first stop back here. I’ve often had the thought to plant a new post each morning after my meditation. You know, when my head is a little more clear. I haven’t done it. Not sure why, so perhaps I will put that on the back burner and see if it starts to boil. So far I’ve noticed I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday. Sprouted bread toasted with nut seed butter and organic (not sugar free) jam – strawberry, from Costco. It’s delicious. I wake up thinking about. I’m keeping myself busy with the digital engagement for the bar. It’s fun and rewarding because it’s working. It’s not always easy and it is time consuming, but it’s a family thing so there’s love there. And speaking of new love, my great nephew was born the other day. He’s beautiful. I love him.
Today I said farewell to my teammates and headed off into retirement. Some of these people I have worked with for nearly 19 years. This is the second time in my life I’ve slipped out at the 19ish year mark. The first time wasn’t my choice but it all worked out. I’ve been working full time since 1986, so that’s 40 years offering my time and talent. That’s enough. It’s been fun. I won’t bore you with the details but my inner child is pretty proud of our success, in a humble happy way.
When my son was young and watched tv before bed, he’d ask, “What’s next comin on?” “The backs of the eyelids,” I’d tell him. I’m looking forward to that show tonight.
The only way to find your voice is to write and see what comes out. Something I’ve used in the past is a site called OneWord. It’s still around, I just checked. I’ll do that tomorrow, but tonight I’m signing off to say that it was a good day. I went to Costco with my sister, always fun! Always expensive.
I bought a new printer for my post-retirement life and I went for the laser printer this time. No colour, and more affordable consumables. I now have three printers. Two that have run out of steam and one in a box.
I declared I was going to write a novel, and that’s why I needed auto duplex. I might, you know. Could happen, we’ll see. Maybe a novella. Let’s start with a short story. How about a poem. This is all you get tonight. A short little blurb.
I will leave you with this though: if there is a time in your life where you felt unheard or unseen or disrespected, know that those feelings are little frig nasties that stick to you and creep into your awareness to hold you back, usually at the most inopportune time. But here’s the good news. They are just feelings and feelings can pass. Take a deep belly breath, feel your heals on the floor. Every moment brings a new opportunity to be who you are meant to be. Repeat as needed.
After 40 years of Corporate work, I’m retiring on April 1. It feels nice to be moving toward something that could be less stressful; if I build it that way. Will I miss the stress? I’m sure I would have no trouble finding trouble anywhere. Life is like that.
Good advice is to take 90 days to just be and see what moves you. I’m already making lists in my head, and illegibly, in my notebook, of how I can make money. It would be just like me to overwhelm myself with 372 small gigs that never let me rest.
I need to remind myself it’s play time. Try and see what feels right. Find a balance and give back more than I’m taking. Listen to my body. Be active. Stretch, move, sweat a little, explore.
So, I came back here to write it all down. To turn inward once again. I’m sure it will be messy. I’m looking for my voice and I found it here once. Maybe it’s been waiting for me.
My last post was in 2012, 6 months after my oldest sister, Cathy, passed away. She’d be getting OAS by now, I’d be retiring and our other sister is semi-retired. We’d have some fun, I’m sure. Cathy was my most dedicated reader. She’s been on my mind, so I thought to come back. Actually, Claude told me she’d be reading and that inspired me. Oh yes, and I will only use spellcheck. I love AI, it’s so much fun to use responsibly, but this is my space to find my voice and AI sort of makes me feel a little inferior in that regard. But, Claude tells me the authenticity is what’s missing from AI and I thought that was very self aware for a computer.
I want to experience every major beach in Nova Scotia, Canada. I’m thinking of a passport of sorts to keep track. I’m not a beach bum and I burn easy with a hx of basal cell carcinoma, but I’m not afraid. I look semi-decent in a hat. Not red ones.
Tomorrow I will sit by your grave and miss your physical presence; yet, you’ll be there, because you are everywhere. I cling to the comfort of knowing we are all one. It’s not just your memory that keeps me going but the understanding that I don’t ever have to say goodbye — for there is no separation. You know the truth, the beautiful, loving truth that we all will one day.
I lament that I can’t call you and tell you my shit and hear your little giggle and supportive sighs. In consolation, I become silent and still and feel you within me.
The heather plant I’ve been nurturing all spring and summer is ready and I will be leaving it with you as a birthday present. Like our entwined spirit, it’s an evergreen and spreads with reckless abandon. Perhaps it will make its way to Dad.
Love is the only reality, it survives everything. The rest is a dream we participate in.
Oh, and I think there will be cake, there’s always cake. This year it will be moist with our tears.
I love you so much.
After 13 years of living in my home, I’ve recently been replacing some household items. It started last August with my new flat screen — 32 inches of pure HDish viewing. I know 32 inches doesn’t sound like much, but I’m a girl and the tv fits nicely in my livingroom.
A month ago I discovered why I had bad vacuum karma* and cleansed myself with the purchase of a Miele S7 upright, which I don’t mind telling you, I sometimes catch myself just sitting and thinking about. That may sound weird, but Miele owners will understand my passion and enchantment. I found it well within my price range at Future Shop and because I bought it in the month of May, I received an extra 5 years warranty, free of charge.
Last weekend I replaced a decades old dehumidifier which was a hand-me-down housewarming gift. I missed the free one offered by my friend Jeff by about 3 hours, but hooked up another friend who was also looking for a water sucker for her new dog salon. Come to think of it, Jeff also told me about the Miele. I think that officially makes you “my go-to guy” Jeff (if you don’t mind).
Six years ago, we moved my lovely formal living room sofa (hide-a-bed) to the basement and brought the rec room sofa to the living room. Just in case you’re wondering, barley walls, rose carpet and a brown sofa do not match. To add salt to the wound, the rec-room sofa also became the favourite scratching post for my loving cat who is oddly immune to spray bottles. I’ve resolved myself that the very heavy and awkward formal sofa shall never again grace my livingroom in this house and so began my search for a slip cover. A little online research uncovered one of interest. I hit the bargain basement today and the only slip cover there to fit a sofa was the exact one that endeared me online. It fits perfect…a tad wrinkly right now, but I’ll iron it the next time I wash it.
Turning outside, the grass on my postage stamp of a backyard was at least 2.5 feet high and with a break in the weather, it was time to stop putting off the inevitable. After filling up another housewarming hand-me-down with gasoline and oil, the gas cap literally disintegrated in my hand. It was time to replace the old 30 minute pull start lawnboy that gave me such a great workout for the past 5 years (13 years – 8 years that it wasn’t my chore = 5 years). I found one on Kijiji in my neighbourhood and made the purchase from a very nice person, who, as it turns out, worked with my BF for years. To kick it in gear, his son builds things; like fences, which is the next replacement on my mind, right after that one rotten deck board which I can fix myself because; well, my Dad was a carpenter. (I say that a lot when I’m drunk.)
A good neighbour, who facilitated the purchase and installation of my new windows last year, came to my rescue and helped me lift my lawnmower out of the back of my car…thanks Shawn. And, as if that wasn’t enough, when I looked up from my first pass with my new-to-me Poulan, there was a man in a truck collecting metal. He graciously took the old lawnboy and the old dehumidifier off my hands, which was such a relief because I had no idea how I was going to lift that monster up the stairs and something tells me the garbage guys wouldn’t have taken kindly to a lawnmower spewing gas and oil all over them.
That’s karma, my friend. It’s everything that happens. It’s not bad, nor good, it just is. It’s everything we attract through our thoughts and experiences. Today, I let go of expectation to enjoy the blessing of my Karma. I wish the same for you.
*a Filter Queen purchase in 1987 paid for over 3 years at 35% interest.
by Guest Blogger: Justin Hindle
Easter is fun I get to have Easter egg hunts
I might get a new truck and do lots of stunts.
I’ll eat lots of chocolate and jelly beans
and when I go to sleep I’ll have lots of bad dreams.
When I wake up I’ll see the Easter bunny
and if he eats all my chocolate, I’ll say,
