Monthly Archives: September 2007

Just the bag

Why is it when I pour myself a cup of tea, the cup needs to be filled to the brim, yet I rarely finish it. Today, the kettle went dry when my cup was only 2/3 full. I drank the whole thing and had to go back for a second cup just to feel satisfied. There’s some psychology there.

Perhaps I’m the type of person who wants it all but loses interest if I seemingly get it all.  Yet the thought of not having it all makes me grave the fullness. Am I creating a life of struggle by not fully enjoying all I have at the moment and constantly seeking something more? Or, is that what keeps us reaching for the next big thing and makes life interesting? I’m sure there’s a balance there somewhere.

I had my first guitar lesson tonight with Roger. I was late. Drove right past the building and had to turn around. But, within 25 minutes I was reading music and feeling very comfortable. I played tonight at my nephew’s cake cutting. Cleared the room, but it was fun. Some wine would have gotten “me and Jimmie all tuned up”.

I’ve been searching for answers to a question. The truth is I know the answer to the question, I’m just searching for a more comfortable answer. It likely won’t come so it’s time to change my perspective. Swallow the disappointment and look forward to new adventures. Attract my heart’s desire. Tonight my fortune cookie read:  “Your dearest wish will come true.” I can’t wait for that. I’m positive I’m ready to stop dreaming and start living the life I want. Now, if I only knew what my dearest wish is.

Brian’s mother is in the hospital waiting for tests to determine the extent of the cancer on her bowel. We are hopeful it is a primary cancer contained in one area so that open surgery will not be required and the cancerous cells can be removed successfully through a laproscopic procedure. 

That reminds me of something my doctor told me once when I was pregnant with Korey. She was talking about psychic healing and performing operations without the need to surgically cut. We laughed at the thought of how that would work for childbirth. But, there is power in the mind to heal. That I firmly believe. Imagining our bodies as whole and healthy, removing congestion in our auras and opening our chakras cleanses us on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. It’s all connected. Mind over matter they say. I pray Shirley does well and recovers rapidly. I’m sure she’s so scared. I remember the feelings I had when they found masses on my liver and spleen. Which fortunately turned out to be nothing.  My panic stopped, but for her, it continues. I’m sending white light to cleanse her spirit and body.

Perhaps I’ve found my dearest wish.

Oh, and by the way, I didn’t finish that second “full” cup of tea.

Bust a Move

I’ve joined a Run for the Cure team this year. I’ll be walking.  My Mom had breast cancer when she was in her early 70s.  Because she found the lump herself, it was caught early and at her age the lack of hormones helped to keep it from spreading too quickly. She was lucky. Many women (and men) are not.

We all know someone who has been affected by breast cancer. If you’d like to sponsor me, I’d appreciate it. The run is Sunday, September 30. So any time before then would be great.

Here’s the link:


The spoils

So Mandy doesn’t like the water, especially the waves. What a crazy dog. I left her run (leash on) down the beach and she tended to stay dry, worked really hard at it actually. She met another dog and I dropped her lead. She was fine…fine. I’m so impressed.  I don’t know what Deb did to her, but she’s a different dog. Yesterday my nephew came in the house without my knowing and Mandy didn’t say a word. I think she was focusing on the kids in the backyard and her multi-tasking isn’t quite polished.

On the beach a young couple were playing near the water. He was teasing her that he was going to throw her in. They were a nice looking couple. As I walked by, the guy looked me in the eye in kind of a weird way. Here he was with this sweet young thing and still looking around. Maybe they were a new couple, just dating or something. You know, options open. Or, maybe he was just showing off, wanting everyone to see his new catch. Probably that.

In any case it reminded me that in my previous relationships, teasing like that would have led to a big fight because eventually I would have taken it a bit too far (read: they couldn’t take a joke).  Number one quality in a partner:  the ability to joke around. Love teases, or at least mine does.

At the beach, we sat on the rocks as a duck did laps in front of us. Seemingly unaware of our presence but she knew exactly what she was doing, nonchalant but ostentatious.  Mandy was comical. She’d run into the water, just out to her neck, and bark. Then a wave would rush over her and she’d run back to me for safety. My car is full of sand but it was worth it.

On the way home I stopped at a yard sale thingy and bought the kids a student’s desk. It’s a middle school size one so it will last a while. Korey loves to play teacher and Justin loves being the student. Now he’ll have his own desk. I can’t wait till they see it. I’ll be a hit and they’ll be amused for minutes on end. How do you spell Mommy time?

Jimmie and I hung out tonight. He was all tuned up. I love him that way. I’m ready for Roger tomorrow. I hope he doesn’t cancel. Jimmie and I will be very disappointed.

This was kind of a dear diary entry…

Something about the wind

I’m filled with happy for the moments in the sunshine with the cool breezes seeping into each breath. There is life in those whistles that blow through the trees. Never before has everything seemed so clear and intrepidly purposeful.

My children and I went to the races yesterday. They were ready to come home after the time trials, but we stuck it out. The cars were too noisy at first, but the earplugs too distracting to be comfortable. They played in the dirt and kicked rocks inside my sandals till I thought I would come unglued. We separated them countless times only to have them wash ashore to hug and kiss and then punch and shove. Hotdogs, onion rings and snacks filled their tummies and by the time the main feature was underway they were pooped enough to enjoy it. Korey watched our guy closely, cheering him on. What number again Mommy? Did someone pass us?

Justin fell asleep on my lap and Korey sprawled out on the bleachers ready to snooze. It was time to go at the half-way mark. They slept in their dusty clothes and skin leaving an outline on their bedsheets which are now clean. The ring around my bathtub tells the tale of two happy little boys. They are spic and span for Daddy to enjoy for four nights before he leaves for the big race in Louden and the boys and I will be a family for a whole week.

Sleep is a priority for me now as I ramp up for single parenthood without relief. I yelled at them today to clean up and stop being savages. I always feel bad when I do that. I want them to remember their mother as someone who never raised her voice, but it’s too late for that. As long as they remember that I love them oodles and oodles without end, that will be enough.

Mandy and I are family now, heading to the beach for a stroll along the water’s edge. Life is full of possibilities, I wonder what’s in store for us.


Setting sights on destiny
leaving the past behind
finding solace in the mysterious
passionate embrace

Seeking upward forces
magic creates song
rumbling ’round the playground
finding rythmnic meter

Falling for the power
inspired by the voice
listening without talking
hearing more than words

Turn around

The truth is, I’m just not ready to be with someone who is still looking over their shoulder. I know how hard it is to focus on the future when the past is pecking at your back. When it’s “our time” it will be amazing. The trailer was incredible. 


Sinking into sunshine
Sinking into warmth
Watching children play
Listening to their voice

Filling time with joy
Filling time with fun
Seeing all there is to life
Not wondering when

Sitting in the moment
Sitting in the breath
Jumping for the laughter
Landing in the truth


The fall air clears my head and my intuition is heightened. I can feel the winds of change and it’s exciting. I love my life. Everything about it really. Even my drama, which I so easily grow tired of. I gave a friend relationship advice today. I hope it was helpful. It came from the heart not the head. I also learned a new friend’s name. It came to me on my way to work. It’s Jimmy. I really like Jimmy. He’s cool and loud and soft and fun to hold and play with. Yes Jimmy, I’ll be home soon.


She sat in the middle of the group and let the tears flow.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted and it never came to pass.

Her guidance gently reminded her. Did you truly want it or did you just love wanting it? The universe doesn’t understand ambiguity.

Her heart raced. The guidance was clear. I’m not sure, she responded.

There’s one other thing to take with you. Never hasn’t happened yet.


I’ve been searching for answers to a question that won’t rest. When I do let it slip into a deep sleep, it awakens with a jolt and I feel it on my shoulders, weighing me down. Into the darkness I go, searching once again for the faintest bit of light to uncover wisdom. My patience is conflicted with an earnest need to know.

It’s not a big deal if you look at it from 1000 miles away. Nothing is really. Except the health and happiness of your children, that’s because they are always with you, never 1000 miles away.

So, I breathe and surround myself with loving kindness to nurture the question, but even meditation and stillness bring no real comfort for this one. Am I ready to know the answer? Likely not. The student needs more time and the teacher hasn’t planned the lesson.

Or, maybe I’m just in love with the question. Love the excitement and the danger of not knowing something. If we have all the answers, life is not worth discovering.