Lurking around

Suddenly I feel like a piece of dirt. Not in a bad way, but ready to be the soil for something beautiful to grow through.

This month two relationships ended for me. One was a bit perplexing to my soul, not exactly an enigma, but all aglitter and then fizzled out like a sparkler— nice while it lasted but not destined to burn forever. The other gnawed at me for eons and I’m finally strong enough to move on, realizing there is no hope for anything more than a heartache at the end of each day.

What’s really bringing me down is something I have to come to terms with and it’s breaking me apart. Jimmie is too big for me. He’s too hard for me to hold. Roger let me play his vintage small body last week and I felt the difference. It was easier and I was better able to get in the groove, be myself.

So now I’m sad when I play the guitar. I’m genuinely sad. Jimmie has given me so much over the past 7 months. He’ll always be the first and the first chord is the deepest.

But like many relationships it basically comes down to money in the end, so Jimmie will stay around for a while and I’ll likely never part with him. Who knows, maybe we’ll find our groove and the size won’t matter any more.

With greater wisdom, I’m sure my next relationship will be easier to hold too.

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About writesome

I've been wanting to do this for a while. Now I can type instead of pen scratch in a journal. It's an experiment, but isn't life. I wish you joy and happiness. May life bless you and may you bless life. View all posts by writesome

2 responses to “Lurking around

  • Susan

    I think you’re already finding your groove, friend,and for that you can always thank Jimmie.

    As for the two relationships, I read a book you might like: “If the Buddha Dated” by Charlotte Kasl. Some of it was a little hokey-pokey for me, but being spiritually minded I really liked the book overall. One passage in particular stuck with me and has brought me comfort as I’ve wondered “why didn’t that relationship work out?” or “why wasn’t he the one?”…and basically “what gives? when will it be my turn?!”

    “Every person here has had to live every day of their lives, just like me…Each person has a story to tell. Some of the chapters are heroic. Some of them are about loss, some about fear, some about achievement or joy, just like my story…When you say good-bye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are a moment in their story.” And then, “Make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.”

    You were a moment in their stories, just as they are in yours. And they certainly were better off having you there.

  • writesome

    Smiles and thanks Susan. The book is on order. Looking forward to some hokey ah-ha moments.

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