Monthly Archives: February 2008

Hitting the wall

So following an amazing couple weeks with Jimmie, learning new songs and playing for real people, reality slammed hard tonight when I “had difficulty” playing melodies in second position. I had two solid weeks to learn, but chose to spend my time on new material to add to my repertoire. Roger was patient…wait…no he wasn’t…he was amused and I’m sure slightly agitated. “That was the slowest Marianne I ever heard,” he laughed, “Come on girl, you know this stuff.”

I’ll get it. Promised by next week my mind will toss aside thinking and absorb something new.  Let it wash over me, till I’m refreshed. Still, I’m doing pretty good and Roger doesn’t deny that, but I’m reminded how much there is to learn, if in fact the learning ends at all. Sounds like life to me.


Protected: Release

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The haunting

Here’s something I’m fairly certain about:

It doesn’t matter where you’ve been. The most important thing is where you are going.

I’ve often let the past hang around and drag me down. My thinking was that people would see my failures and missteps and judge my ability to achieve. That is wrong thinking on my part. Most people are so busy chasing their own fears away, they will see you only for what you have to offer.

I believe that our successes are born of failure. We achieve by collecting lessons and bridging them to the future. Beginner’s luck is only there to give us a taste of how much we can accomplish through hard work and dedication to our dreams.

And those dreams are allowed to change. For life to continually be fulfilling, we reach for the next accomplishment (big or small) to elevate our learning—sometimes about the world, sometimes about a certain subject matter—most importantly, about ourselves. Being present doesn’t mean we stay where we are, it simply means we fully experience where we are.

It’s hard to let go of the past and to shake the fear of failure and success. But love is the opposite of fear and offering ourselves forgiveness and loving kindness is the only way to release what’s holding us back. Loving ourselves makes us brave.

Besides, no one eulogizes the failures, real or imagined.

For example, if I hadn’t released my fear:

  • I wouldn’t be a mother
  • I wouldn’t be playing the guitar
  • I wouldn’t be singing
  • I wouldn’t be successful in my field
  • I wouldn’t have so many close, meaningful friendships
  • I wouldn’t be loving a beautiful man
  • You wouldn’t be reading this.

Can you hear the river?

Can you hear the river
flowing through my soul?

Can you hear the river
earth and force its toll?

Can you hear the river
drinking up the rain?

Can you hear the river
causing no one pain?

Can you hear the river
gentle stops and starts?

Can you hear the river
deep within my heart?


Goalie’s choice

KD loves to be in the net. Whether it’s soccer or hockey, he’s the ultimate defenceman. Yesterday he donned goalie gear for the first time and took to the ice. With great agility he managed to look like the real thing, dropping and stopping pucks. Of course, many went through the 5 hole, but that’s to be expected. Underneath that gear was one sweaty little boy, a quarter of the size fully dressed in padding and cups.

His teammates told the real tale. “Korey is our goalie,” they said, in awe of my baby’s new status. And, “Korey is a great goalie” was heard more than once in the dressing room.

Today he played out and it confirmed for him what a mother knows instinctively.

I have a goalie.


Purge

What’s left in the dark is revealed in the light. We are lost forever if we cannot find the power within ourselves to feel another’s pain or joy. We fall within our own heartache if we foresake the closeness we so desire. The world isn’t ever the place we thought. It’s always better, but only if we believe in ourselves and our ability to create the life we want. Forever isn’t always, but it’s the closest we come to finding solid steps toward our passions. When we falter we learn. When he rejoice in our triumphs, we release a piece of ourselves, spreading it out for others to devour. 


Embracing the silence

Often, the most meaningful conversations occur without a single word.


Pictures of Eden

“Up this way,” he panted. “I can see the opening. We’re almost there.”

She couldn’t take another step. Sorrow filled her soul and spilled over her face. He knew that look, saw it before a million years ago. His face softened and he reached for her.

“I know you think you can’t make it, but you can. I’ve watched you climb higher mountains than this.”

He held her close, eternity washing over them. Finally she drew away.

“I can make it now, just don’t let go.”


Shadows

Peeking through the curtain
the audience awaits

Feeling fearful
exhilaration wins

Watching time pass quickly
hoping for more light

Shaming insecurity
confident harmony


Frozen sun

The sky forgives the clouds
and shares reflecting blue
I tremble deep inside
my soul emoting truth

Suffer is the day for
life will freeze exposed
Gentle is the promise
sweet mystery still