Monthly Archives: February 2008

Novel

I’m notorious for beginning a book and then stopping part way through and not going back for months, but I finished one today, “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. It’s about a young Shepperd who abandons his life in search of his Personal Legend. The journey takes him from Spain to Egypt and back again.

The book had been sitting in my briefcase waiting to be returned to Lilly for about a month now. It’s her favourite book and she’s one of my favourite people so you’d think I’d be kind enough to return it promptly, but I hung on because I wanted to finish it. Today, I took the bus to work. It’s the first time I’ve rode the bus in more than 20 years and I say this with some shame. You know, I kind of liked it, the bus ride. I managed to get through most of the book on the way in and made it to the third last page on the way home.

Besides feeling a little car sick from the starts, stops and fumes, it’s not a bad spot to read. I’m a people watcher though so I’m easily distracted. Fortunately, my route isn’t too busy so I had lots of room to relax and not much pulling me away.

Not sure waiting for the bus is for me though. Too much looking to the left.


The response

Wandering lonely, waiting for word
Feeling downhearted, faking a smile

Seeing the reason, a blow to the heart
Hoping for healing, praying for rest

Moving toward something, imagined or real
Seeing myself, embracing the child

Stealing the moment, holding it close
Winning the battle, wondering lonely


Love, unrequited

I wrote this on Helium.com  back in the summer, but thought I would share for a new friend. I’ve changed one word from the Helium post. Now you’ll be so curious, you’ll make me a penny by going to take a look…

Time is the cruelest master
its face you never see
it whispers soft and low
the best is yet to be

But slowly time erodes
your hopes are washed away
it laughs at you for thinking
real love is on its way

Your arid soil it crumbles
hope scatters in the stream
as tears fall soft and sullen
a new sprout becomes your dream


Things to do

My list is growing while I sit and write this, but it has to come out…when you gotta write, you gotta write.

So far today I managed to get the clothes folded. Now it’s just, hand washing my fine washables, a shower, grocery list development, dishes, sweeping the floor, tidying up, cleaning bathrooms, eating something and grocery shopping.

But I did manage to get a song down better on my guitar, read some nice poetry, play with my dog, sleep in, practice yoga and pilates…all in my jammies.

I’ve been thinking that what happens to us in life isn’t really what it appears. We see things through our judgements, attachments and desires. When we can just be with it, nothing seems really scary. We are stronger than we think.

I saw the Marilyn Munroe exhibit at the Art Gallery of Nova Scotia on Thursday. She was a beautiful woman. I found she got younger looking as she aged. Less makeup perhaps. The Martini Girls had dinner at a local pub on the waterfront and went on from there. We entered the Art Gallery through the back door and got lost. Around and around we roamed, until Kathy called to tell them we couldn’t find our way to the main entrance. A very nice person arrived to collect us. What a cultured group we are.

The performance of Marilyn: Forever Blonde was definitely the highlight. The scene is Marilyn’s bedroom on her final night as she recounts her entire life through words and music. My heart broke for this woman who merely wanted to be loved, but was only played with by men who didn’t think to look deeper within her soul. Sunny Thompson was stunning, breathtaking and completely Marilyn. I will never forget it.


Crescendos

Quiet as a lonely house
sitting in the dark
feeling lost and empty
looking for a spark

Something makes me happy
a smile lights up my face
seeing light inside myself
a deep and loving place

Selling fortune damming pain
seeing life as tall
walking in the sun of hope
joy and laughter call


Valentine’s Day

KD wrote up his own Valentine’s Day cards this weekend. What a change from last year when I basically had to tie him to the chair and feed him candy to keep his attention. JB can make three letters, J, K and O. Did I mention his penmanship is remarkable for a four year old?

We went for a family skate today, all five of us. We got the family rate.

The boys were up since 6 am. KD decided he didn’t want to go to hockey. It was my intention that they would go back to sleep for an hour or two, but that didn’t happen. It was a long day for JB. He melted down at least three times. I held it together until the last one. Now I feel bad. He fell asleep with me lecturing him on how we had to work together. It’s not easy for Mommy and I need them to be good for me and not whine for stuff. When I say “No” it’s for a reason. I’m not trying to be mean. 

The downstairs phone is still missing. JB used it as a prop/hammer to make his point. He won’t even entertain the thought of trying to find it. I’ll have to call myself tomorrow to uncover it.

I’m thinking now I need to write something substantial, like a short story. I have a bunch I started a few years ago. One that keeps coming back to me and gives me chills when I read it. Now that I’m further along in my writing, I realize it needs tightening up; more showing, less telling. I got this spark from a writer I emailed online…yes a response. Not everyone is watching football I guess.

Another friend I met online called today to say he is going to drop-off and meditate for a month. I’m happy for him. It brings him peace and acts as a muse for his music. He’ll be in one of my favourite spots. I envy the thought of his surroundings, but not sleeping on the floor.

Strange thing occurred to me today. Valentine’s Day is conveniently sandwiched between the Superbowl and Daytona.


s.a.t.u.r.d.a.y. Night

I’m going to admit some things. As a tween, I was in love with a Bay City Roller. Les McKeown was his name…oh so cute. I Googled him tonight and guess what? He grew up to be very handsome.

Second admission:  I’ve been using an online dating site to meet people. Sometimes it works and I have indeed met some very nice people that make great acquaintances. My profile is hidden so I make first contact. Lately it’s been unsupportive and I intend to give it the “gift of missing me” for a while. Maybe I’m too honest or not needy enough with issues that jump off the screen. Misery loves company and there’s clearly no misery here. It seems possible that they don’t actually believe me as I understand many ladies are misrepresenting themselves…and I’ve had men do that too. I’ve also been told the man’s game is to appear uninterested. WTF?

Not to sound scorned, rejected or, egawd’s, desperate; I know the right one won’t make me run to the Manslator until at least 6 months in. But, hope springs eternal so when I see someone that sparks my interest and I make contact, I kind of hope that maybe it will ignite at least a nice conversation. But lately, I’ve got nothin’. So, I delete my messages if they are not responded to. On this particular site the men can see that I’ve done so. If they even notice, they will either think I’m OCD-tidy about my outbox or that I’m no longer interested and feel either confused or grateful to be off the hook. At least that’s what I think they will think. But another admission today is that I have no f*cking idea what men think and frankly it’s quite boorish, beyond good posting material. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I just tend to overthink them, apparently.

The secret is that I’m attracting these slender responses from people who are in some cases less interesting than my biological friends who rate me quite high on the old “FO’Meter”. I believe this is telling me to return to my good life and abandon the virtual search. I’m actually growing tired of sharing my story with complete strangers who probably wouldn’t get me anyway nor curl my toes in real life.

Perhaps I need to restate my intention. I believe the universe may be confused:

1.  Must be playful and able to take a joke.
2.  Must be intelligent, handsome and love to learn new things.
3.  Must not feel lovemaking is naughty.
4.  Must contact me in some way on a weekly basis.
5.  Must have ambition.
6.  Must not hold me back.

Let me explain that last one. I’ve allowed myself to be held back by men who question why I want to go for more. While it’s true money doesn’t bring happiness, realizing your potential, expanding yourself in new directions and reaching for your dreams, does.

 Or, maybe it’s just because it’s Superbowl weekend and I’m competing with men in tights.


Without drama…

Chemistry, biology, psychology, sociology…who says there’s no science to dating.