“Daddy doesn’t have money for the treat machines, but Mommy does. Go ask her.”

“Sorry the floor is wet, Mommy. I was trying to pee in that plastic jug. I missed a couple times.”

“God is Jesus’ Dad.”

“Mommy, I love you. Stop squeezing me so hard.”

“If you don’t let me do whatever I want, I’m never listening to you again.” [Really? I guess that's what I get for the "If you don't...then you won't..." parenting]