Brian’s Mom had her surgery last night. They opened her up and removed part of her small intestine and found the cancer had spread to her colon, so they took some of that too. The surgeons were really pleased with the outcome, but Brian says she looks terrible, with tubes everywhere. He’s so scared. I wish I could hold him and take his pain away. I’ll hold him in my heart, that might help. And, I’m praying for his Mom to recover, to be well again to enjoy her family and grandchildren.

She’s being moved to ICU and they are giving her a blood transfusion because her blood count was so low.

Healthy happy children.

Prosperous meaningful, fulfilling and fun career.

Healthy body, healthy mind, joyful soul.

Deep and lasting friendships.

Carefree living.

A lover I can count on.

Soulful connections.

The right to change my mind.

With the Canadian dollar so high it seems a good time to start purchasing some online e-books. I purchased one but returned it and still got to keep the free CD gift, which I won’t be opening until next month’s Credit Card bill arrives and I’m assured I’m not being charged for it. The second, I haven’t finished yet, but I may return it within the 30 day trial. I’m very confused by all the consultative advice I’m getting online, so I was skeptical to purchase this latest one, but, you know, it’s good. It’s what I need right now. It’s giving me a recipe for speaking from my heart and allowing myself permission to say what I want without fear of rejection or pissing someone off. Something 4 different psychologists have been telling me for years.

I actually blame this inability to converse my truth on the alignment of the stars when I was born. I’m a Scorpio with an ascendant in Libra and a Pisces moon. So, I’m passionate on the inside and think way too much, but my outward demeanor is balancing and compromising, more concerned with everyone else’s happiness. Deepening this colundrum is that my thoughts are gentle and sweet, not wanting to ruffle feathers, let alone stir the ocean to wave.

I’m learning to develop the strength to be vulnerable. Wish me luck!

Why is it when I pour myself a cup of tea, the cup needs to be filled to the brim, yet I rarely finish it. Today, the kettle went dry when my cup was only 2/3 full. I drank the whole thing and had to go back for a second cup just to feel satisfied. There’s some psychology there.

Perhaps I’m the type of person who wants it all but loses interest if I seemingly get it all.  Yet the thought of not having it all makes me grave the fullness. Am I creating a life of struggle by not fully enjoying all I have at the moment and constantly seeking something more? Or, is that what keeps us reaching for the next big thing and makes life interesting? I’m sure there’s a balance there somewhere.

I had my first guitar lesson tonight with Roger. I was late. Drove right past the building and had to turn around. But, within 25 minutes I was reading music and feeling very comfortable. I played tonight at my nephew’s cake cutting. Cleared the room, but it was fun. Some wine would have gotten “me and Jimmie all tuned up”.

I’ve been searching for answers to a question. The truth is I know the answer to the question, I’m just searching for a more comfortable answer. It likely won’t come so it’s time to change my perspective. Swallow the disappointment and look forward to new adventures. Attract my heart’s desire. Tonight my fortune cookie read:  “Your dearest wish will come true.” I can’t wait for that. I’m positive I’m ready to stop dreaming and start living the life I want. Now, if I only knew what my dearest wish is.

Brian’s mother is in the hospital waiting for tests to determine the extent of the cancer on her bowel. We are hopeful it is a primary cancer contained in one area so that open surgery will not be required and the cancerous cells can be removed successfully through a laproscopic procedure. 

That reminds me of something my doctor told me once when I was pregnant with Korey. She was talking about psychic healing and performing operations without the need to surgically cut. We laughed at the thought of how that would work for childbirth. But, there is power in the mind to heal. That I firmly believe. Imagining our bodies as whole and healthy, removing congestion in our auras and opening our chakras cleanses us on a spiritual, emotional and physical level. It’s all connected. Mind over matter they say. I pray Shirley does well and recovers rapidly. I’m sure she’s so scared. I remember the feelings I had when they found masses on my liver and spleen. Which fortunately turned out to be nothing.  My panic stopped, but for her, it continues. I’m sending white light to cleanse her spirit and body.

Perhaps I’ve found my dearest wish.

Oh, and by the way, I didn’t finish that second “full” cup of tea.

The truth is, I’m just not ready to be with someone who is still looking over their shoulder. I know how hard it is to focus on the future when the past is pecking at your back. When it’s “our time” it will be amazing. The trailer was incredible. 

The fall air clears my head and my intuition is heightened. I can feel the winds of change and it’s exciting. I love my life. Everything about it really. Even my drama, which I so easily grow tired of. I gave a friend relationship advice today. I hope it was helpful. It came from the heart not the head. I also learned a new friend’s name. It came to me on my way to work. It’s Jimmy. I really like Jimmy. He’s cool and loud and soft and fun to hold and play with. Yes Jimmy, I’ll be home soon.

I’ve been searching for answers to a question that won’t rest. When I do let it slip into a deep sleep, it awakens with a jolt and I feel it on my shoulders, weighing me down. Into the darkness I go, searching once again for the faintest bit of light to uncover wisdom. My patience is conflicted with an earnest need to know.

It’s not a big deal if you look at it from 1000 miles away. Nothing is really. Except the health and happiness of your children, that’s because they are always with you, never 1000 miles away.

So, I breathe and surround myself with loving kindness to nurture the question, but even meditation and stillness bring no real comfort for this one. Am I ready to know the answer? Likely not. The student needs more time and the teacher hasn’t planned the lesson.

Or, maybe I’m just in love with the question. Love the excitement and the danger of not knowing something. If we have all the answers, life is not worth discovering.

I’ve been listening to Gretchen Wilson in my car. She’s awesome. Wanda was playing it on Moonlight night (on the boat) and I really liked it. Now I want to write a country song and put some chords to it. The words are coming to me, something about striking out and calling up a friend after the bars close to see if your chances get better. Sounds like something that might happen a lot. Not to me, of course, nor something I would do ;), but I think it will be fun.

 Maybe I should just learn to play the guitar first…