Here’s something I’m fairly certain about:

It doesn’t matter where you’ve been. The most important thing is where you are going.

I’ve often let the past hang around and drag me down. My thinking was that people would see my failures and missteps and judge my ability to achieve. That is wrong thinking on my part. Most people are so busy chasing their own fears away, they will see you only for what you have to offer.

I believe that our successes are born of failure. We achieve by collecting lessons and bridging them to the future. Beginner’s luck is only there to give us a taste of how much we can accomplish through hard work and dedication to our dreams.

And those dreams are allowed to change. For life to continually be fulfilling, we reach for the next accomplishment (big or small) to elevate our learning—sometimes about the world, sometimes about a certain subject matter—most importantly, about ourselves. Being present doesn’t mean we stay where we are, it simply means we fully experience where we are.

It’s hard to let go of the past and to shake the fear of failure and success. But love is the opposite of fear and offering ourselves forgiveness and loving kindness is the only way to release what’s holding us back. Loving ourselves makes us brave.

Besides, no one eulogizes the failures, real or imagined.

For example, if I hadn’t released my fear:

• I wouldn’t be a mother
• I wouldn’t be playing the guitar
• I wouldn’t be singing
• I wouldn’t be successful in my field
• I wouldn’t have so many close, meaningful friendships
• I wouldn’t be loving a beautiful man
• You wouldn’t be reading this.

What’s left in the dark is revealed in the light. We are lost forever if we cannot find the power within ourselves to feel another’s pain or joy. We fall within our own heartache if we foresake the closeness we so desire. The world isn’t ever the place we thought. It’s always better, but only if we believe in ourselves and our ability to create the life we want. Forever isn’t always, but it’s the closest we come to finding solid steps toward our passions. When we falter we learn. When he rejoice in our triumphs, we release a piece of ourselves, spreading it out for others to devour. 

I’m going to admit some things. As a tween, I was in love with a Bay City Roller. Les McKeown was his name…oh so cute. I Googled him tonight and guess what? He grew up to be very handsome.

Second admission:  I’ve been using an online dating site to meet people. Sometimes it works and I have indeed met some very nice people that make great acquaintances. My profile is hidden so I make first contact. Lately it’s been unsupportive and I intend to give it the “gift of missing me” for a while. Maybe I’m too honest or not needy enough with issues that jump off the screen. Misery loves company and there’s clearly no misery here. It seems possible that they don’t actually believe me as I understand many ladies are misrepresenting themselves…and I’ve had men do that too. I’ve also been told the man’s game is to appear uninterested. WTF?

Not to sound scorned, rejected or, egawd’s, desperate; I know the right one won’t make me run to the Manslator until at least 6 months in. But, hope springs eternal so when I see someone that sparks my interest and I make contact, I kind of hope that maybe it will ignite at least a nice conversation. But lately, I’ve got nothin’. So, I delete my messages if they are not responded to. On this particular site the men can see that I’ve done so. If they even notice, they will either think I’m OCD-tidy about my outbox or that I’m no longer interested and feel either confused or grateful to be off the hook. At least that’s what I think they will think. But another admission today is that I have no f*cking idea what men think and frankly it’s quite boorish, beyond good posting material. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I just tend to overthink them, apparently.

The secret is that I’m attracting these slender responses from people who are in some cases less interesting than my biological friends who rate me quite high on the old “FO’Meter”. I believe this is telling me to return to my good life and abandon the virtual search. I’m actually growing tired of sharing my story with complete strangers who probably wouldn’t get me anyway nor curl my toes in real life.

Perhaps I need to restate my intention. I believe the universe may be confused:

1.  Must be playful and able to take a joke.
2.  Must be intelligent, handsome and love to learn new things.
3.  Must not feel lovemaking is naughty.
4.  Must contact me in some way on a weekly basis.
5.  Must have ambition.
6.  Must not hold me back.

Let me explain that last one. I’ve allowed myself to be held back by men who question why I want to go for more. While it’s true money doesn’t bring happiness, realizing your potential, expanding yourself in new directions and reaching for your dreams, does.

 Or, maybe it’s just because it’s Superbowl weekend and I’m competing with men in tights.

Chemistry, biology, psychology, sociology…who says there’s no science to dating.

What happens when your life takes a surprising turn for the better? When your hopes are less than your experience.

I’ve been learning a Kid Rock song “Only God Knows Why” on my guitar. It’s a gift for my nephew who says this song got him through one of the lowest points in his life. He’s ten years my junior and I hate to tell him, but low points are relative. The good part is that each experience makes us stronger. Eventually we’ll find the good in everything we’ve done and everything we’ve left undone. The evolution of a peaceful soul dictates this.

Anyway, he and his wife are taking a trip to Detroit to see Kid Rock in concert. I am not just slightly envious, I actually felt jealous today for the first time in a long time. Deep, real, rib-twisting jealousy that makes you want to spit.

I’m happy for them, but God I wish it were me.

Susan at One Woman Show has tagged me for this meme (and I had to look that up). Also, I’m not sure how the tag thing works, my blogging is quite elementary. So now that I’ve registered my ignorance, I’ll move on to something I think I can do with some reverence and sincerity. Like Susan and Sophie before her, I too am casual about when/if the people I tag for this carry through.

5 Things I Want My Kids to Know:

1. My life has more meaning with you in it. I’m grateful for your souls.
2. I think you are excellent teachers. I’ve learned so much from you.
3. Whenever I’m lonely I replay the first time I held you.
4. I’m sorry I yell so much.  I hope I can teach you how not to do that even when you want to.
5. I love you just the way you are.

5 things you want to tell your child when they grow up:

1. Learn to meditate. It will bring you back to yourself.
2. Be at peace with the world. Your world begins with you.
3. Don’t feign affection. As much as you deserve to be deeply loved, you also deserve to love deeply in return.
4. Choices are not forever. You can always make another decision.
5.  Everything changes. Enjoy every moment.

5 things you want to tell your children before you die:

1. Always remember to brush your teeth and comb your hair…check your nose too.
2. Remember the best parts of me and delete the rest. I’ve always wanted you to have only the best of me.
3. Share your happiness with others.  Happiness is stronger when mixed.
4. Find something you love to do. If it pays well, great. If not, work at the next best thing to support your passion.
5. If you make a 1000 mistakes, I’ll still love you. If you feel like giving up, I’ll hold you.

5 things you want your children to know this lifetime:

1. The kind of love that is as wonderful to give as it is to receive.
2. The smell of your newborn baby.
3. Opportunities taken.
4. A gentle and comfortable existence.
5. A grandchild to hold.

5 people I’m tagging for this meme if, and only if, they would like to participate:

1. Kate at Sweet | Salty
2. Kathleen at Mama Words
3. Brahnamin at Juggling Cats
4. Rose at The Story of Rose
5. Bon at Crib Chronicles

The house is quiet for the first time in over 10 days with just the pitter-patter of Mandy nails and Jimmie’s occassional outbursts resonating. The kids are with their Dad who returned from “Up North” after a week-long visit with his sister. He left on Boxing Day, which meant the kids and I had the whole Christmas break together. It was fun. We had no where to go and relaxed into house bunnies.

The holidays were productive. We hosted two parties and even got the old toys cleaned up to make room for the new ones and some shelves I’m hoping to score early this year. So far, nine bags of garbage await their Tuesday morning date with the squeezer. Actually, I’ll have to share some of the garbage with my neighbours since I think we have a 6 bag limit. Update:  the old toilet is still covered in snow.

The tree is now bare, except for the lights and angel and I’m moving into cleansweep mode this weekend, returning our house back to its normal look and feel. As I write this though, I’m thinking I’ll make some changes, drastic ones, like taking the tv out of the livingroom. On second thought, that’s probably not a good idea, yet.

JB got a set of drums for Christmas and the neighbours are so happy. KD got a guitar which I think he’s naming Jimmie 2. That’s original. I’ll get him to work on that. He hasn’t really tried it out, but I was playing it and he commented that he didn’t think it could sound so good.

The best part of the holiday was my friend KT visiting (from “Up North”) with his daughter SE, who is eight. A perfect fit for my kids and my 7 year old nephew MJ who I believe may now be “in love”. What a sweet thing. He bought SE earings as a going away gift. Two nights before they left all three boys gathered and waited for their arrival to say their final farewells. MJ and JB went bezerk and drove SE nuts, until she actually cried. KD sat immersed in re-runs of Bugs Bunny and once SE had tired of JB and MJ, he made his subtle move…sly devil. I was so proud.

KT and SE left this morning. KT and I hung out last night, drank beer, looked backward and forward, laughed and hugged a lot. It’s hard to imagine where all the years went, or what’s ahead. They’ll be back in two year’s time. I’m marking this moment to measure the width of our path and the length of our journey.