Just a Moment

Mandy sits by the door looking up at me and whining. She doesn’t want out. She’s not hungry. She wants me to go to bed. But I’m not ready. My soul needs to tap out my feelings, to share something that sits heavy on my mind. I’m not sure yet what’s coming but it feels big and I can’t even get a good read on whether it’s good big or bad big…just big. Everything feels shifty these days. The ground on which I usually stand and the means with which I define myself have faded and I’m left tottering on a log. The water is cold and dark and I don’t want to fall in. I’m not trying to be cryptic, it’s just a feeling that won’t leave me rest.

Meditation will help, I’m sure. Yoga will ground me. Sleeping will reset my intuitive soul. Yet I resist all of this and keep struggling on the log as it turns through the water, becoming saturated, less secure. I have a friend who needs me but I can’t reach them. I’ve tried and tried but they won’t pick up. One breath tells me to release them, the other to hold on. This friend is not someone I barely know, it’s someone I’ve grown up with, held hands with, walked the beach with, cried, loved and laughed with. This friend is me and I don’t want to lose her.

My faith keeps me strong. My faith in the universe, in my God who loves me and wants me to be happy, but really depends on me to find my way.  I know everything I need is inside of me, but somehow the blinds have been pulled and I can’t reach the light. It’s not that I can’t really, it’s that I don’t want to. Somewhere in this darkness I’m finding a purpose. A realization that sometimes life is sad and holding that for a while deepens your compassion and your ability to see people as they truly are with their own sadness and pain behind the brave smiling faces.

Depressing really, isn’t it? I’m reminded of the laws of attraction and creating our realities from our thoughts. Have I thought this mess? Am I really in a mess or self-absorbed? Tomorrow I will smile more, be the person basking in streams of glorious light, secure in her world, secure in her sense of justice, attracting the world she wants. Confidently reaching for her dreams and stepping off the log to solid ground. I’ve learned enough here for now, the lessons are engrained, I won’t soon forget.

Now that was worth the wait, wasn’t it Mandy?

My posts are often a simple writing meditation that flows from my fingertips without really any conscious thought, except fixing typos and grammar. When this happens, I often find what I’m writing about has meaning before its time. For example, my Lumps in the Sand post was followed the next day by my sister telling me she made a kitty litter birthday cake for her son.  Don’t worry it just looked gross, it tasted fine. My kids wouldn’t eat it though. I found that kind of funny. The connection between my writing and her concoction made us smile.

I thought it would be fun to test the theory of my supernatural powers to glimpse into the future versus odd coincidence, if there is such a thing. Here goes my words dripping from within:

I’m not little any more. There is definately a side of me that grows tall when I’m around people who make me feel good and want to share special moments. There is no defining reason for this and I’m not particularly clever at making things up so I’m as natural as I can be and bam! someone wants to talk about that, about anything, about everything. Where in the world do I go from here?

 Tonight sounds promising…do check back.

Every once and a while I find myself stuck, deeply rooted in past hurts and fears. What, if anything, am I to do about this? Should I stay put and look around? Have I missed something? This feels like orienteering. I’m looking for the flag so I can move to the next station. Maybe I need a better map or a stronger compass. The rain clouds move in and darken my path. I think I’ll just bunker down here for a while until the sun breaks through again. Forgive me if I’m not my usual self. May patience attach itself to me and guide me through this. Oh, I think I see the sunshine, just up ahead.

Grocery shopping today I noticed an interesting arrangement of items. The first to catch my eye were hangover reducer tablets that you take while you’re drinking to eliminate that green gills feeling the next morning. Just above the tablets were value packs of condoms and right above the condoms were those stop-snoring strips.  Personal lubricant hung just below the hangover tablets. The branding was similar on all of these items. I guess they are related…what is, something you need in the bedroom? Not my bedroom of course, with the possible exception of the hangover tablets.