Mandy sits by the door looking up at me and whining. She doesn’t want out. She’s not hungry. She wants me to go to bed. But I’m not ready. My soul needs to tap out my feelings, to share something that sits heavy on my mind. I’m not sure yet what’s coming but it feels big and I can’t even get a good read on whether it’s good big or bad big…just big. Everything feels shifty these days. The ground on which I usually stand and the means with which I define myself have faded and I’m left tottering on a log. The water is cold and dark and I don’t want to fall in. I’m not trying to be cryptic, it’s just a feeling that won’t leave me rest.
Meditation will help, I’m sure. Yoga will ground me. Sleeping will reset my intuitive soul. Yet I resist all of this and keep struggling on the log as it turns through the water, becoming saturated, less secure. I have a friend who needs me but I can’t reach them. I’ve tried and tried but they won’t pick up. One breath tells me to release them, the other to hold on. This friend is not someone I barely know, it’s someone I’ve grown up with, held hands with, walked the beach with, cried, loved and laughed with. This friend is me and I don’t want to lose her.
My faith keeps me strong. My faith in the universe, in my God who loves me and wants me to be happy, but really depends on me to find my way. I know everything I need is inside of me, but somehow the blinds have been pulled and I can’t reach the light. It’s not that I can’t really, it’s that I don’t want to. Somewhere in this darkness I’m finding a purpose. A realization that sometimes life is sad and holding that for a while deepens your compassion and your ability to see people as they truly are with their own sadness and pain behind the brave smiling faces.
Depressing really, isn’t it? I’m reminded of the laws of attraction and creating our realities from our thoughts. Have I thought this mess? Am I really in a mess or self-absorbed? Tomorrow I will smile more, be the person basking in streams of glorious light, secure in her world, secure in her sense of justice, attracting the world she wants. Confidently reaching for her dreams and stepping off the log to solid ground. I’ve learned enough here for now, the lessons are engrained, I won’t soon forget.
Now that was worth the wait, wasn’t it Mandy?