I thought I would capture this for perpetuity, that is assuming Youtube and this blog never go away.
Category Archives: Just thinking
Stop making sense
I learned early on that good things do follow bad and I thought I would share this learning with the boys. So I say on the way to town after a slight change of plans and boiling dissapointment.
“We may not have gotten to do what we wanted to today, but something good will happen, just wait and see. Good things always follow bad.”
The response from Korey, “What do you mean? That doesn’t even make any sense. What are you taking about? Mom, you’re stupid.”
I’ll just let that sink in.
Icing on the cake
Monday was JB’s birthday. He turned the big 5 and we had a digger cake. The same cake he and his brother have chosen for the past three years. I think it’s the dinkies on top that get them. What gets me are the mounds of icing. See, I love icing, it’s comfort food.
Today, we celebrated their birthdays with a joint party at the Superstore. Ten kids making pizza and decorating their own cake to take home, plus two birthday cakes, one for each boy. That’s alot of icing, but we managed.
Later in the afternoon we went to another birthday party, a pool party. I actually bought a new bathing suit and joined in the fun because the boys gave me a hard time after I didn’t get in the pool at the hockey pool party. I enjoyed it, it wasn’t over my head. KD told me my bathing suit was too small though. Damm, knew I should have gotten the larger size. No one else complained though and the girls stayed put nicely, even when the waves crashed around us.
After two hotdogs, some chips, pop and cheesies, we had cake. A hockey cake this time, chocolate underneath all that delicious icing.
Tomorrow, we have another party to attend. My great-nephew is turning 4. I’m assuming there will be cake, at least I’m hoping.
Sugar is not my friend, however, so I’m dropping acidophilus by the handfuls to try to rebalance the fun zone and keep me from getting too spaced out to think in a linear fashion.
I’m also trying to work on my taxes, not a great mix.
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While I was racing through Wal-mart today picking up a bow and arrow set for the boys, I stopped short at the discount book bin. The title caught my eye, “You Can Heal your Life”. Strange I thought, that’s the same title as Louise Hay’s book. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was her book. I didn’t expect to see it there at 25% off. I love finding a bargain on things I’ve hummed and hawed about purchasing at full price and abandoned at “submit order”.
And, so I am, in real time, opening the book to the lesson I most need to learn today.
Make Room for the New (on the left). Right, ok, clean out the closets, clutter and stuff I haven’t touched in a while. I get it. A cluttered closet means a cluttered mind. Fuck, that’s what is wrong with me. I’m living in frustration because everywhere I look there is shit waiting to fall on me. Or, at least it feels like it.
Love Your Bills (on the right). This one is timely. I missed a power payment somehow over the past four months. I could have sworn I paid it, but the bank has no record, nor the power company, so I’m in arrears and that hasn’t ever happened before. It sucks because now I have to make a double payment next month and I have that speeding ticket (my first) to pay by July, unless I decide to plea NG. All these extras just when I was getting ahead too.
But Louise says we need to stop worrying about money, stop resenting our bills and be grateful that someone trusts us to pay. Only then can we release the beliefs that we don’t deserve and open up to receive the lavish abundance of the universe.
Which gets me to thinking perhaps I’ve been putting off doing my taxes because I’m worried about the outcome. And, that maybe I should clean out the clutter first and allow the universe to fill the empty spots with abundance before I settle in to count the beans. You know, just in case it ends up being a bill, which now will have interest attached and I’ll need some abundance to remit.
Yes, clearing the clutter feels good. Envisioning my dresser drawers closing all the way, being able to see the back of my closet, finding something, anything, in the junk drawer, organizing the medicine cupboard, nicely organized towels all facing the same way. The thought is making me calm.
Or, have I just found another good reason not to do my taxes tomorrow. This post was tonight’s.
Morning Pages
So it is with everything that we conquer and love and lose and win in the end. We evolve to the point of self-acceptance, to where we feel our souls are drawn and comfortable. What tells us where to stop? That peaceful feeling of nothingness? The smile that curls your lips for no reason at all? What we cannot control is better left outside of ourselves. Our lives need not be a struggle. Whether we feel deeply or spare our thoughts, we exist, larger than anything we can comprehend. Nothing leaves us, we are a combination of our thoughts, experiences and all that we allow to enter in. The stuff that brings us to where we are at the present moment is part of us. Without it we are lost in the great divide between something we expect and something we accept.
Fashioned outcomes are simply a wave we ride until our next great thought. What ever happens in the end we cannot control. It’s an evolution to learn to just be with it and allow our thoughts to shift us from disappointment to hope and then to confidence in our ability to create something spectacular. Affirm your belief in the abundance of the universe to quietly guide you. Listen to the whispers—they speak volumes.
The passing
The cloud that hung over me the past two days has lifted and I’m once again feeling optimistic. Self-destructing negativity has fallen off the cliff and took with it those familar lonely, unworthy feelings. I’m left at the edge of something great. “This too shall pass” is the promise, and so it has.
Where do I go from here? Back to my usual self. Full of the stuff that makes life great and worth the struggles we face.
While I was held hostage by empty shoes and unzipped jackets, KD said, “Ok Mom, tell us for certain, which one of us do you love the most?”
“I love you both exactly the same. That’s not a fair question. That’s like asking who do you love more Mom or Dad?”
The choir was shattered glass. “We love Daddy more.”
“Because he listens to us better,” KD says.
“Because he lets us ride our bikes on the road,” says JB.
I’m the one who lets them ride their bikes on the road, but only when I’m outside with them and can yell, “CAR COMING.”
So, I listen to their requests and give them safe room to roam, and Dad gets the love.
All in a day’s joy.
Attraction
Yesterday I was thinking how awful it would be if my laptop crashed and I lost all my data. Tonight, it did. I’m going to take it in tomorrow to see if I can recover the lost pixels of my life.
Tonight as I snuggled with KD and JB brushed his teeth for what seemed like hours, I thought how awful it would be if he made a mess in the bathroom. He did. Filled an empty Kleenex box with water and it ran right through all three drawers. I lost it and KD called his dad because he was scared. I was scared too. Poor JB tried to help clean up but I just kept tellling him to go to bed.
When I went in to kiss him goodnight I told him I love him but I didn’t like what he did. He was sound asleep, but nodded that he understood. I hope he doesn’t dream that I have fangs and horns tonight. He had already told me earlier that he hated me and that daddy takes better care of them. All this after a full day of bike rides, trampolines, ice-cream, street hockey, brunch and a nice dinner.
I hope I haven’t thought about any other horrible things lately, seems the universe is on warp-speed.
Now I’m enjoying my sparkling clean bathroom vanity drawers and looking forward to a faster hard drive.
I didn’t check under the sink…no…don’t go there Heather. I’m sure it’s fine. Fuck, now I’m writing to myself.
What’s in a label?
So, the other week I purchased a new dress and it hangs eloquently in my closet waiting for just the right occasion. I showed it off to JB this morning and he responded with the sincerity of a four year old. “Wow, that’s pretty Mommy. You’ll look just like a cow.”
Here it is.
Random acts of thinking…
Why is it when you stop wanting something it lands in your lap? The universe must be on dial-up.
When did I ever say I wanted to be someone’s queen? I didn’t. But, it might be fun.
A mess was created the other day and while I was trying to sort it out, everyone else involved was adding to the shit pile. Sometimes complications arise not from your own mis-intention, but the energy of others’ who thrive on controversy and drama.
Me, I’m a drama-less queen.
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WordPress has updated it’s interface and Dashboard. What a nice surprise today. I like it. Highly usable and everything I use the most is right up front. Wish I could take some credit for the re-design. Perhaps I did if they were watching me use my site.
One possible exception is the category box being below the post. I liked it in the right nav.
Premiere delayed
Well, seems I promised video would be released on April 4. I’m sorry to say it remains locked away in my computer which was out of service most of this week. The new release date is TBD, pending re-installation of pertinent software.
My good friend and faithful commenter Susan over at One Woman Show, recently recommended the book, “If the Buddha dated” by Charlotte Kasl. I just tonight reached the passage she teased me with. A while back I was looking for a zen response to the book, “He’s just not that into you” and I came up with one inspired by my family doctor, who happens to be Buddhist.
I remember at the time doing a Google search for Buddhist dating and other related keyword phrases and not finding anything about this handy little book in a series of “If Buddha” themes. I’m examining that disappointing Google result as my path at the time and seeing value in the lessons I’ve learned on my way to this moment. Something is different. I like it.
I’ve done a lot of research and learning about relationships and the differences between Men and Woman, but my soul feels more at home when I’m focused on how similar we are.
So far the book talks about men and women being the same energy seeking to connect and reveal itself to another. What’s in the way are the societal and cultural layers that tell us we are so different. The author goes straight at John Gray, (Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus). The shift in thinking here is not to focus on the differences and somehow get around them to snag a partner, but search for the genuine equality a truly soulful connection generates.
Sounds more rewarding than wrangling someone into thinking you’re cool because you know all the right words and moves and then tiringly wearing that mask while studying your lines for the next act.
The ego, however, is ultimately weeker than the soul and eventually the mask comes off. Someone farts, the sex is messy, they slurp, have a booger, look terrible in red, are needy and emotional.
At this point you often find yourself alone, but there you stand; yourself, nothing more, nothing less—the perfect place to start again.
Lurking around
Suddenly I feel like a piece of dirt. Not in a bad way, but ready to be the soil for something beautiful to grow through.
This month two relationships ended for me. One was a bit perplexing to my soul, not exactly an enigma, but all aglitter and then fizzled out like a sparkler— nice while it lasted but not destined to burn forever. The other gnawed at me for eons and I’m finally strong enough to move on, realizing there is no hope for anything more than a heartache at the end of each day.
What’s really bringing me down is something I have to come to terms with and it’s breaking me apart. Jimmie is too big for me. He’s too hard for me to hold. Roger let me play his vintage small body last week and I felt the difference. It was easier and I was better able to get in the groove, be myself.
So now I’m sad when I play the guitar. I’m genuinely sad. Jimmie has given me so much over the past 7 months. He’ll always be the first and the first chord is the deepest.
But like many relationships it basically comes down to money in the end, so Jimmie will stay around for a while and I’ll likely never part with him. Who knows, maybe we’ll find our groove and the size won’t matter any more.
With greater wisdom, I’m sure my next relationship will be easier to hold too.
Just a Moment 