So it is with everything that we conquer and love and lose and win in the end. We evolve to the point of self-acceptance, to where we feel our souls are drawn and comfortable. What tells us where to stop? That peaceful feeling of nothingness? The smile that curls your lips for no reason at all? What we cannot control is better left outside of ourselves. Our lives need not be a struggle. Whether we feel deeply or spare our thoughts, we exist, larger than anything we can comprehend. Nothing leaves us, we are a combination of our thoughts, experiences and all that we allow to enter in. The stuff that brings us to where we are at the present moment is part of us. Without it we are lost in the great divide between something we expect and something we accept.

Fashioned outcomes are simply a wave we ride until our next great thought. What ever happens in the end we cannot control. It’s an evolution to learn to just be with it and allow our thoughts to shift us from disappointment to hope and then to confidence in our ability to create something spectacular. Affirm your belief in the abundance of the universe to quietly guide you. Listen to the whispers—they speak volumes.

Yesterday I was thinking how awful it would be if my laptop crashed and I lost all my data. Tonight, it did. I’m going to take it in tomorrow to see if I can recover the lost pixels of my life.

Tonight as I snuggled with KD and JB brushed his teeth for what seemed like hours, I thought how awful it would be if he made a mess in the bathroom. He did. Filled an empty Kleenex box with water and it ran right through all three drawers. I lost it and KD called his dad because he was scared. I was scared too. Poor JB tried to help clean up but I just kept tellling him to go to bed.

 When I went in to kiss him goodnight I told him I love him but I didn’t like what he did. He was sound asleep, but nodded that he understood. I hope he doesn’t dream that I have fangs and horns tonight. He had already told me earlier that he hated me and that daddy takes better care of them. All this after a full day of bike rides, trampolines, ice-cream, street hockey, brunch and a nice dinner.

I hope I haven’t thought about any other horrible things lately, seems the universe is on warp-speed.

Now I’m enjoying my sparkling clean bathroom vanity drawers and looking forward to a faster hard drive.

I didn’t check under the sink…no…don’t go there Heather. I’m sure it’s fine. Fuck, now I’m writing to myself.

So, the other week I purchased a new dress and it hangs eloquently in my closet waiting for just the right occasion. I showed it off to JB this morning and he responded with the sincerity of a four year old. “Wow, that’s pretty Mommy. You’ll look just like a cow.”

Here it is. 

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Why is it when you stop wanting something it lands in your lap? The universe must be on dial-up.

When did I ever say I wanted to be someone’s queen? I didn’t. But, it might be fun.

A mess was created the other day and while I was trying to sort it out, everyone else involved was adding to the shit pile. Sometimes complications arise not from your own mis-intention, but the energy of others’ who thrive on controversy and drama.

Me, I’m a drama-less queen.

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WordPress has updated it’s interface and Dashboard. What a nice surprise today. I like it. Highly usable and everything I use the most is right up front. Wish I could take some credit for the re-design. Perhaps I did if they were watching me use my site.

One possible exception is the category box being below the post. I liked it in the right nav.

The house is quiet now. The kids left with their Dad for Easter Sunday.

At the crack of dawn JB crawled in his bed with me while KD made the “we’re up” call to begin the Easter morning ritual. Mandy won the egg hunt through the night and the bunny had to re-cloak while the kids were scurrying for chocolate. Six Webkinz he brought. They are all safely snuggled in their beds. I’m sure it will be a computer day at Dad’s today. I’ll see them bright and early tomorrow morning and we’ll share the day, high on chocolate and lots of love.

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Easter always brings me down. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the christian sorrow associated with the death of Jesus…have you ever been to a Good Friday service? I went once and am scared for life…will not go back. My God doesn’t want me to feel shame, sorrow and pain. My God supports my path to joy. Sure, we all must feel some pain to recognize our joy and create boundaries for ourselves, but why all the drama? I’m glad to say Alleluia today and let go of my attachment to anything other than the present moment.

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A group of women bloggers are gearing up for BlogHer ’08, set for the Canadian May long weekend in Chester, NS. I visited Sweet | Salty for the first time in a while the other night and, as always, was absorbed in the prose of such a profoundly spiritual woman who has lived through more than I care to experience, save for her words. From there, I met Thordora who questions the existence of God and anything beyond the flesh of this lifetime. And that got me a thinkin’. I actually drafted a response to an extremely thoughtful and respectful thread, but abandoned it. I needed more time and it was already 3 am.

I remember the tsunami disaster, and watching—as we sat comfortably in our Christmas sparkle—the devastation, loss and pain left in its wake.

The story of the father who clung to his 2 year old while struggling against the power of the wave, and then losing him while trying to grasp a stronger hold. He watched helplessly as his son was taken away. “Daddy, I’m scared,” were the last words that father heard. On the boy’s tiny arms were inflatable arm bands  and I remember scouring the tv screen for them each time I joined their sorrow-filled world, listening for a miracle in my ears. 

The group of children who were found in a circle, holding hands. Their last moments of life, huddle together for comfort. The mother who had to choose between two sons, but was rewarded with the life of both.

I’ll stop there for fear of frying my keyboard.

I’ve had sad moments close to home too, watching my Dad immobilized for fourteen years unable to communicate with us. As a family we gathered round him, and stronger together we dealt with the loss of a great man. But alone, I was weak, tortured by the why of it all. When he finally left us, my soul rejoiced in the freedom of his body and spirit. Although it was still hard to say goodbye, it was his time to leave us to fend for ourselves without the magnet of him to bond us together. And so we do. Perhaps for Mom, but mostly I believe because we all now see the frailty of life and how inconsequential pride and possession are to the human spirit.

I do believe there is a higher power, but not some sole king that determines our destiny or decides who, what, when and where. I do pray. I pray for my children’s health and safety. I pray for mothers and babes in wombs. I pray for people in need and families in sorrow. I pray for a peace within myself and that others may find peace too. 

When I was young, I would pray to God; leaving everything in “his” hands. It brought me comfort then—still does from time to time when the load seems too heavy to bear—but didn’t necessarily bring me strength within myself, so I would fall asleep each night petitioning “him” out of fear and insecurity.

But one message that stuck with me from Sunday School is that we are created in the image of God. So with the authenticity of a child, I started praying in the mirror. It brought me the strength I longed for and over the years, and through my experiences, I’ve learned to cultivate that feeling of God within myself.

I’m not saying I’m God. I can’t perform miracles, unless you see miracles in being a mother, a good friend and the deep desire to love another human being unconditionally. I have limits. There are many things beyond my control. The ground we walk on has its own energy, I am unable to control that. What happens inside someone else’s soul that directs their path in this lifetime, is not my business. The only thing I can control is my reaction to the events around me.

After the tsunamis, Larry King brought a group of religious leaders together to help explain why; and where God was in all of this. The clear message they agreed on is that God isn’t in the event itself, God is in the response.

It’s easy to blame God when things go wrong and give credit where miracles exist. But it’s as hard for me to comprehend that some “one” is responsible for this as it is for me to look up to the stars on a dark night and wonder why we are even here to begin with. So I don’t.

I do teach my children to pray. For safety and health and those they care for. I also teach them to discover within themselves the goodness and love that can change the world. My theory is that prayer is thought and our thoughts create miracles every day.

What happens when we die? My faith in the power of spirit tells me there is more beyond this lifetime. In the mansion that is Heaven, with lockers and fresh towels by the gold-lined pool and angels feeding us cream-cheese on wheat-free crackers? Probably not, but we’ll be safe, touching those that need us. I believe souls can join together whenever we reach for them. Whether they are here now or separated by that fine line. I believe Liam is with Kate and Justin and Evan and Ben, and he will be, until they are ready and it’s time for his soul to move on. But Kate needs him still so he remains safe and sound within her.

But, I haven’t lost a child and I’m not asking for that lesson. So forgive me Kate if this doesn’t resonate with you, it’s just how I see things. It’s what gives me the strength to send strength to you.

And Thordora, I’ve haven’t watched my mother be taken away by cancer. However, I too, don’t remember a presence in the ER after my father died and we pawed over his body for what seemed like hours. But I do feel him when I need him, when I open up to the thought that we are all more connected than we think.

That’s what brings me comfort. Thought I’d share.

God, if you’re there, I haven’t forsaken you or my teachings, just choose to experience you in my own way. You represent love to me. I hope that’s ok.

You think you’ve got it all covered, the blanket gets yanked away. I was doing so great. Completely involved in myself and my life and having fun discovering so much. I just read my posts from the summer and smash…I crash head-on into myself. How could I have tripped backward? What was I thinking? I won’t close up all the chapters I’ve written this past year and return to my old, tortured self. I’m not quite done with me, but I love where I’m headed. Leave me alone, go away, take a hike. Find your own way home, this cab is taken. I’ll send it back for you. Catch me if you can.

That’s me…angry at me.