Mandy sits by the door looking up at me and whining. She doesn’t want out. She’s not hungry. She wants me to go to bed. But I’m not ready. My soul needs to tap out my feelings, to share something that sits heavy on my mind. I’m not sure yet what’s coming but it feels big and I can’t even get a good read on whether it’s good big or bad big…just big. Everything feels shifty these days. The ground on which I usually stand and the means with which I define myself have faded and I’m left tottering on a log. The water is cold and dark and I don’t want to fall in. I’m not trying to be cryptic, it’s just a feeling that won’t leave me rest.

Meditation will help, I’m sure. Yoga will ground me. Sleeping will reset my intuitive soul. Yet I resist all of this and keep struggling on the log as it turns through the water, becoming saturated, less secure. I have a friend who needs me but I can’t reach them. I’ve tried and tried but they won’t pick up. One breath tells me to release them, the other to hold on. This friend is not someone I barely know, it’s someone I’ve grown up with, held hands with, walked the beach with, cried, loved and laughed with. This friend is me and I don’t want to lose her.

My faith keeps me strong. My faith in the universe, in my God who loves me and wants me to be happy, but really depends on me to find my way.  I know everything I need is inside of me, but somehow the blinds have been pulled and I can’t reach the light. It’s not that I can’t really, it’s that I don’t want to. Somewhere in this darkness I’m finding a purpose. A realization that sometimes life is sad and holding that for a while deepens your compassion and your ability to see people as they truly are with their own sadness and pain behind the brave smiling faces.

Depressing really, isn’t it? I’m reminded of the laws of attraction and creating our realities from our thoughts. Have I thought this mess? Am I really in a mess or self-absorbed? Tomorrow I will smile more, be the person basking in streams of glorious light, secure in her world, secure in her sense of justice, attracting the world she wants. Confidently reaching for her dreams and stepping off the log to solid ground. I’ve learned enough here for now, the lessons are engrained, I won’t soon forget.

Now that was worth the wait, wasn’t it Mandy?

My posts are often a simple writing meditation that flows from my fingertips without really any conscious thought, except fixing typos and grammar. When this happens, I often find what I’m writing about has meaning before its time. For example, my Lumps in the Sand post was followed the next day by my sister telling me she made a kitty litter birthday cake for her son.  Don’t worry it just looked gross, it tasted fine. My kids wouldn’t eat it though. I found that kind of funny. The connection between my writing and her concoction made us smile.

I thought it would be fun to test the theory of my supernatural powers to glimpse into the future versus odd coincidence, if there is such a thing. Here goes my words dripping from within:

I’m not little any more. There is definately a side of me that grows tall when I’m around people who make me feel good and want to share special moments. There is no defining reason for this and I’m not particularly clever at making things up so I’m as natural as I can be and bam! someone wants to talk about that, about anything, about everything. Where in the world do I go from here?

 Tonight sounds promising…do check back.

Every once and a while I find myself stuck, deeply rooted in past hurts and fears. What, if anything, am I to do about this? Should I stay put and look around? Have I missed something? This feels like orienteering. I’m looking for the flag so I can move to the next station. Maybe I need a better map or a stronger compass. The rain clouds move in and darken my path. I think I’ll just bunker down here for a while until the sun breaks through again. Forgive me if I’m not my usual self. May patience attach itself to me and guide me through this. Oh, I think I see the sunshine, just up ahead.

Grocery shopping today I noticed an interesting arrangement of items. The first to catch my eye were hangover reducer tablets that you take while you’re drinking to eliminate that green gills feeling the next morning. Just above the tablets were value packs of condoms and right above the condoms were those stop-snoring strips.  Personal lubricant hung just below the hangover tablets. The branding was similar on all of these items. I guess they are related…what is, something you need in the bedroom? Not my bedroom of course, with the possible exception of the hangover tablets.

Today I had lunch with some friends. Not that that’s particular unusual, but the feeling of being completely comfortable with people you haven’t seen or hugged for uber moments leaves me a little frightened that I take these times and people for granted. What is it that brought us together?  Work, play, our troubles, our triumphs?  As we enter someone’s life, we leave a dent, sometimes barely noticable, like a ding from an unruly car door on a windy day. With others we smash together and become intertwined unextricably.  Always we are connected by an infinite vibration, resonating as far as necessary to unite us.

I’m fortunate to have these people in my life and just wanted to say that out loud.

Just because I feel impatience doesn’t mean I’m unable to wait. It just means I don’t want to. I’ve waited a lifetime for some things, only to have the realization be far too brief. Certainly no where near the time I’ve put into the desire. Which leads me to question if good things actually do come to those who wait. From this seat, and I retain the right to move to the leather sofa, I’m thinking it’s not that good things come, it’s the quenching of that insatiable, god-awful impatience which tricks us into thinking what we were waiting for is actually good for us. I’m still waiting, meditating on the crunch of the carrots, knowing deep that what’s coming will be…

Within me lives a little girl who exists to be entertained and delighted. She craves adventure and each day designs a sparkling dynasty of intrigue, hope and what’s nextness. Without stopping to pause, she pushes me toward the next love, the next interest, the next enticing regime. She sleeps and I quietly relax and take in my surroundings, careful not to disturb her slumber. Sleep little one, let me enjoy these moments.

I don’t believe there is a fine line between love and hate. That’s an easy excuse to stay too long in a relationship.

I don’t believe in hate. Fear is the opposite of love.

I don’t believe we have limitations. The best part is always yet to be.

I don’t believe in silencing children (although I’d like to sometimes). They are our best teachers.

I don’t believe I can have recreational sex. Being that close to someone is too emotional.

I don’t believe life passes us by. I believe we forget to reach.