The truth is, I’m just not ready to be with someone who is still looking over their shoulder. I know how hard it is to focus on the future when the past is pecking at your back. When it’s “our time” it will be amazing. The trailer was incredible. 

The fall air clears my head and my intuition is heightened. I can feel the winds of change and it’s exciting. I love my life. Everything about it really. Even my drama, which I so easily grow tired of. I gave a friend relationship advice today. I hope it was helpful. It came from the heart not the head. I also learned a new friend’s name. It came to me on my way to work. It’s Jimmy. I really like Jimmy. He’s cool and loud and soft and fun to hold and play with. Yes Jimmy, I’ll be home soon.

I’ve been searching for answers to a question that won’t rest. When I do let it slip into a deep sleep, it awakens with a jolt and I feel it on my shoulders, weighing me down. Into the darkness I go, searching once again for the faintest bit of light to uncover wisdom. My patience is conflicted with an earnest need to know.

It’s not a big deal if you look at it from 1000 miles away. Nothing is really. Except the health and happiness of your children, that’s because they are always with you, never 1000 miles away.

So, I breathe and surround myself with loving kindness to nurture the question, but even meditation and stillness bring no real comfort for this one. Am I ready to know the answer? Likely not. The student needs more time and the teacher hasn’t planned the lesson.

Or, maybe I’m just in love with the question. Love the excitement and the danger of not knowing something. If we have all the answers, life is not worth discovering.

I’ve been listening to Gretchen Wilson in my car. She’s awesome. Wanda was playing it on Moonlight night (on the boat) and I really liked it. Now I want to write a country song and put some chords to it. The words are coming to me, something about striking out and calling up a friend after the bars close to see if your chances get better. Sounds like something that might happen a lot. Not to me, of course, nor something I would do ;), but I think it will be fun.

 Maybe I should just learn to play the guitar first…

Today is my sister’s birthday. She won’t be reading this for a few days because she’s at the country and there’s no internet or wifi at the countryhouse. We tried to pick up a network last weekend, but no luck, struck out, went without.

I’m not able to be there tonight for the dinner and the cake and the party. I wish I could be. Honestly though, truth is, I actually could be, it’s just that I’d have to rush the kids tonight and tomorrow and I don’t want to do that. I won’t be my best and my sister deserves the best. I’ll be going down on Sunday with my other sister and the three of us will be together for the first time this summer. I’m hoping I can convince them to enjoy the country highlife.

My guitar is back. It was in the shop all week having the action lowered and a new “nut” made to spread the strings out. I strummed on it for a couple of minutes when I got home. Right after I type this, I’m filing my nails so I’ll be ready when the kids go to bed. When I play the guitar I don’t think. The things that play on my mind, leave me through the chords and the vibrations. It’s a meditation, one I can get into for hours and I feel clean afterwards, like I’m ready for more of life to enter in.

Tomorrow Lilly gets married to Ryan. Ryan is the one that makes her shiver.

So I told you about the tarot card reading the other day. Well, I thought I understood it, but today my life coach encouraged me to refeel it. On a second glimpse it may have another meaning. The Primary thought was what I was focusing on when I sat down for the reading. The Secondary is what’s been haunting me my whole life, not just what was spooking me at the moment. If there’s a Tertiary thought it will have to come to me in a dream, I’m tired of thinking about it.

Korey peed in my bed tonight. Drank 3 cups of water and then layed next to me and peed. I was peed-off to say the least and used some foul language.  Now I have a fresh bed to sleep in tonight. Thanks Korey. I’ll be up in a minute to tuck you in sweetheart.

Tomorrow is Adam’s last day. For the past 8 months he has brought my vision to life. Now, I can do some good design, but I digg Adam’s style. I can hack through code, but I can’t build it from scratch. I can see how I want things to look and know how I want them to work, and Adam makes it happen. I will miss him. Not just for his skill and talent but for his warmth and youth and the way he relaxes into everything he does. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time Adam. I know you have a great future ahead of you. And, I know you’re reading this because you read my blog everyday. The stats don’t lie buddy.