Heavy into longing
aching intrepidation
soothing my addiction
with gentle breaths
Affirming beliefs
in life’s red carpet
feeling my end point
delicious repose
Nurturing the path
embracing acceptance
releasing my grip
relaxing fear
Tiresome
Stop making sense
I learned early on that good things do follow bad and I thought I would share this learning with the boys. So I say on the way to town after a slight change of plans and boiling dissapointment.
“We may not have gotten to do what we wanted to today, but something good will happen, just wait and see. Good things always follow bad.”
The response from Korey, “What do you mean? That doesn’t even make any sense. What are you taking about? Mom, you’re stupid.”
I’ll just let that sink in.
Senior Moments
Being an over 60 male is not much better than being a 40 something female. Except, the tummys that are promised to be flatter are rock-hard 6 pack male abdominals. I could leave my profile as is, just for the eye-candy, but I think I like being myself too much. I’ll just stop looking to the left.
No viagra Stemo.
Life as an 18 year old male
New Kids on the Block, Rihanna, free gadgets…wow, life sure is different. Not one mention of the words flatter or tummy. Can’t say the music does much for me though.
Ha!
That was almost way too easy. I’m a transgender 20 year old on Facebook and the flat tummy ads have ceased. Now I’m being hit with ads to save the world. I’m going to change to an 18 year old boy and see what I get. I know, I need a life.
Profiling
I’m Facebook savy enough to know how the advertisements work. I’ve actually placed Facebook ads so I’m well aware of the amazing minute targetting you can do to get your ad in front of a relevant audience. What then is on my profile that keeps me bombarded with ads for products promising a flat, firm, tummy. I sure hope they aren’t scanning my photos. I think I’ll remove my birth year and sex to see if they stop.
Certainly
Korey turned seven yesterday and Justin is two weeks at five. I can remember being five and seven, so I’ve been thinking that from here on in my footprint on their lives is permanent.
In fact, I remember some pretty important moments from my early childhood. Many have stayed with me. Some for the better and some it’s taken me nearly 40 years to erase. I better choose my words carefully and make sure they understand how important their self-esteem is to creating a wonderful life for themselves.
When I was five my grandmother passed away and I saw my father cry for the first time. I remember him standing at the back door window, his face shielded from his daughters, but his shoulders told the tale. I didn’t see him cry again until he suffered a stroke when I was 20. I grew up with no appreciation for the fraility of the male heart.
When I was seven, there were two elementary schools in my area. Our house sat right on the cut-off line which meant I was separated from my street friends during my first year. But, in grade one they sent me to the “cool” school. After the first week, however, they moved me back. I was crushed. That day, the boy next door came over and we played crazy eights, crazy nines and crazy tens at my back door until our Dads came home for supper. I learned how important friendship is and how simply sharing yourself with someone can lighten their load. It made me compassionate.
That year I had my favourite teacher. She taught me how delicious reading is. More pivotal, I learned that good things do follow bad.
I’m also reminded how important my back door was.
Taxing times
Friday JB has orientation for big school. His sitter (aunt) said she would take him because she is taking another child, but that news made me cry. I want to be the one to drop him off, lick his hair down, straighten his shirt, give him a good luck hug and kiss and then turn away with tears streaming down my face. I also want to be there to see his big grin when he bounces through those doors an hour later. He’ll be full of wonder and excitement and he’ll rush to my arms for a tender hug from Mommy, who showed up with a little less mascara.
Some things belong to me.
Icing on the cake
Monday was JB’s birthday. He turned the big 5 and we had a digger cake. The same cake he and his brother have chosen for the past three years. I think it’s the dinkies on top that get them. What gets me are the mounds of icing. See, I love icing, it’s comfort food.
Today, we celebrated their birthdays with a joint party at the Superstore. Ten kids making pizza and decorating their own cake to take home, plus two birthday cakes, one for each boy. That’s alot of icing, but we managed.
Later in the afternoon we went to another birthday party, a pool party. I actually bought a new bathing suit and joined in the fun because the boys gave me a hard time after I didn’t get in the pool at the hockey pool party. I enjoyed it, it wasn’t over my head. KD told me my bathing suit was too small though. Damm, knew I should have gotten the larger size. No one else complained though and the girls stayed put nicely, even when the waves crashed around us.
After two hotdogs, some chips, pop and cheesies, we had cake. A hockey cake this time, chocolate underneath all that delicious icing.
Tomorrow, we have another party to attend. My great-nephew is turning 4. I’m assuming there will be cake, at least I’m hoping.
Sugar is not my friend, however, so I’m dropping acidophilus by the handfuls to try to rebalance the fun zone and keep me from getting too spaced out to think in a linear fashion.
I’m also trying to work on my taxes, not a great mix.
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While I was racing through Wal-mart today picking up a bow and arrow set for the boys, I stopped short at the discount book bin. The title caught my eye, “You Can Heal your Life”. Strange I thought, that’s the same title as Louise Hay’s book. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was her book. I didn’t expect to see it there at 25% off. I love finding a bargain on things I’ve hummed and hawed about purchasing at full price and abandoned at “submit order”.
And, so I am, in real time, opening the book to the lesson I most need to learn today.
Make Room for the New (on the left). Right, ok, clean out the closets, clutter and stuff I haven’t touched in a while. I get it. A cluttered closet means a cluttered mind. Fuck, that’s what is wrong with me. I’m living in frustration because everywhere I look there is shit waiting to fall on me. Or, at least it feels like it.
Love Your Bills (on the right). This one is timely. I missed a power payment somehow over the past four months. I could have sworn I paid it, but the bank has no record, nor the power company, so I’m in arrears and that hasn’t ever happened before. It sucks because now I have to make a double payment next month and I have that speeding ticket (my first) to pay by July, unless I decide to plea NG. All these extras just when I was getting ahead too.
But Louise says we need to stop worrying about money, stop resenting our bills and be grateful that someone trusts us to pay. Only then can we release the beliefs that we don’t deserve and open up to receive the lavish abundance of the universe.
Which gets me to thinking perhaps I’ve been putting off doing my taxes because I’m worried about the outcome. And, that maybe I should clean out the clutter first and allow the universe to fill the empty spots with abundance before I settle in to count the beans. You know, just in case it ends up being a bill, which now will have interest attached and I’ll need some abundance to remit.
Yes, clearing the clutter feels good. Envisioning my dresser drawers closing all the way, being able to see the back of my closet, finding something, anything, in the junk drawer, organizing the medicine cupboard, nicely organized towels all facing the same way. The thought is making me calm.
Or, have I just found another good reason not to do my taxes tomorrow. This post was tonight’s.
Morning Pages
So it is with everything that we conquer and love and lose and win in the end. We evolve to the point of self-acceptance, to where we feel our souls are drawn and comfortable. What tells us where to stop? That peaceful feeling of nothingness? The smile that curls your lips for no reason at all? What we cannot control is better left outside of ourselves. Our lives need not be a struggle. Whether we feel deeply or spare our thoughts, we exist, larger than anything we can comprehend. Nothing leaves us, we are a combination of our thoughts, experiences and all that we allow to enter in. The stuff that brings us to where we are at the present moment is part of us. Without it we are lost in the great divide between something we expect and something we accept.
Fashioned outcomes are simply a wave we ride until our next great thought. What ever happens in the end we cannot control. It’s an evolution to learn to just be with it and allow our thoughts to shift us from disappointment to hope and then to confidence in our ability to create something spectacular. Affirm your belief in the abundance of the universe to quietly guide you. Listen to the whispers—they speak volumes.
Just a Moment 