What exactly am I waiting for? I was brought up in an environment where Dad earned the money and Mom ran the house, until of course Dad got home and then Dad ran Mom. Sounds dreadful to me but that was the nuclear family.
So I’m independent. I take care of myself and I do what I want. Of course, I’m plagued by fear of success and still hear my past whispering, “don’t do that, it will never work.” The trouble is I’m just a bit too lazy to fight it. Or maybe I haven’t found something worth fighting for. I play with my dreams, and simply dipping my toes in the water has been, until this point, ultimately satisfying. Now the wet piggies are a screaming reminder that I really haven’t jumped and relied solely on myself and my talents.
Having two children is another excuse I use to stay in the safe zone and wait for someone to rescue me from this treadmill of lucidity—where I can see clearly the life I want, but lack the guts to move closer to it.
What would I do if I could do anything? I’d be more available to my children, teach yoga, write, speak, heal people, learn more of life’s ways—enjoy the connections of life and ponder their energy. I try to bring this to my everyday world now, and it’s gratifying to watch mainstream begin to accept what I’ve known for so long. It makes me hunger for more.
Of course, I want all of this and abundant prosperity. Perhaps it’s my attachment to money that’s holding me back. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t own a wide-screen, or TVO or even stainless steel appliances. I drive a seven year old car and only buy clothes on sale. So, it’s not like I live beyond my means or take pleasure in extravagence. I’m simply afraid to sacrifice what I have to obtain the life I want, without a backstop and someone to hold my hand.
August 24th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Well, no, not crazy. It’s one thing to rearrange your life to follow your dreams while you’re on your own. Quite another as a single parent of 2.
I struggle with this, too. There’s so much I want to do (selfishly for ME – God forbid!), but know that I can’t right now. You do what you can — as you are — and keep ahold of those dreams. Who knows? Maybe your dreams will morph to fit the life you have rather than the one you (and I and others) always envisioned?