Quiet as a lonely house
sitting in the dark
feeling lost and empty
looking for a spark
Something makes me happy
a smile lights up my face
seeing light inside myself
a deep and loving place
Selling fortune damming pain
seeing life as tall
walking in the sun of hope
joy and laughter call
KD wrote up his own Valentine’s Day cards this weekend. What a change from last year when I basically had to tie him to the chair and feed him candy to keep his attention. JB can make three letters, J, K and O. Did I mention his penmanship is remarkable for a four year old?
We went for a family skate today, all five of us. We got the family rate.
The boys were up since 6 am. KD decided he didn’t want to go to hockey. It was my intention that they would go back to sleep for an hour or two, but that didn’t happen. It was a long day for JB. He melted down at least three times. I held it together until the last one. Now I feel bad. He fell asleep with me lecturing him on how we had to work together. It’s not easy for Mommy and I need them to be good for me and not whine for stuff. When I say “No” it’s for a reason. I’m not trying to be mean.
The downstairs phone is still missing. JB used it as a prop/hammer to make his point. He won’t even entertain the thought of trying to find it. I’ll have to call myself tomorrow to uncover it.
I’m thinking now I need to write something substantial, like a short story. I have a bunch I started a few years ago. One that keeps coming back to me and gives me chills when I read it. Now that I’m further along in my writing, I realize it needs tightening up; more showing, less telling. I got this spark from a writer I emailed online…yes a response. Not everyone is watching football I guess.
Another friend I met online called today to say he is going to drop-off and meditate for a month. I’m happy for him. It brings him peace and acts as a muse for his music. He’ll be in one of my favourite spots. I envy the thought of his surroundings, but not sleeping on the floor.
Strange thing occurred to me today. Valentine’s Day is conveniently sandwiched between the Superbowl and Daytona.
I’m going to admit some things. As a tween, I was in love with a Bay City Roller. Les McKeown was his name…oh so cute. I Googled him tonight and guess what? He grew up to be very handsome.
Second admission: I’ve been using an online dating site to meet people. Sometimes it works and I have indeed met some very nice people that make great acquaintances. My profile is hidden so I make first contact. Lately it’s been unsupportive and I intend to give it the “gift of missing me” for a while. Maybe I’m too honest or not needy enough with issues that jump off the screen. Misery loves company and there’s clearly no misery here. It seems possible that they don’t actually believe me as I understand many ladies are misrepresenting themselves…and I’ve had men do that too. I’ve also been told the man’s game is to appear uninterested. WTF?
Not to sound scorned, rejected or, egawd’s, desperate; I know the right one won’t make me run to the Manslator until at least 6 months in. But, hope springs eternal so when I see someone that sparks my interest and I make contact, I kind of hope that maybe it will ignite at least a nice conversation. But lately, I’ve got nothin’. So, I delete my messages if they are not responded to. On this particular site the men can see that I’ve done so. If they even notice, they will either think I’m OCD-tidy about my outbox or that I’m no longer interested and feel either confused or grateful to be off the hook. At least that’s what I think they will think. But another admission today is that I have no f*cking idea what men think and frankly it’s quite boorish, beyond good posting material. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I just tend to overthink them, apparently.
The secret is that I’m attracting these slender responses from people who are in some cases less interesting than my biological friends who rate me quite high on the old “FO’Meter”. I believe this is telling me to return to my good life and abandon the virtual search. I’m actually growing tired of sharing my story with complete strangers who probably wouldn’t get me anyway nor curl my toes in real life.
Perhaps I need to restate my intention. I believe the universe may be confused:
1. Must be playful and able to take a joke.
2. Must be intelligent, handsome and love to learn new things.
3. Must not feel lovemaking is naughty.
4. Must contact me in some way on a weekly basis.
5. Must have ambition.
6. Must not hold me back.
Let me explain that last one. I’ve allowed myself to be held back by men who question why I want to go for more. While it’s true money doesn’t bring happiness, realizing your potential, expanding yourself in new directions and reaching for your dreams, does.
Or, maybe it’s just because it’s Superbowl weekend and I’m competing with men in tights.
Chemistry, biology, psychology, sociology…who says there’s no science to dating.
Can someone explain to me the point of throwing sneakers over an electrical line. Three pair swing in the wind at the bottom of my subdivision. There must be at least $150 good hard-earned dollars on display there. Who does this, and why? I also wonder how many tries it takes.
KD said the cops do it for Halloween. They take the scarecrows down and throw the sneakers up there. WTF? He’s six so his hypothesis is likely accurate in his innocent mind. Besides he got agitated when I challenged him on it. So the explanation can hang around until we find a better one.
One day last fall when Mandy was in the midst of her nervous breakdown due to the changes in our living arrangements, JB came to me and said, “Mommy, I just ate a raisin off the floor and it didn’t taste very good.” Now, I’m not the best housekeeper, but raisins on the floor, that would rarely happen. I looked in the living room and noticed Mandy’s latest nervous reaction spread across the floor. So much for being on time for work that morning with extra teeth brushing, handwashings and clean up. KD loves to tell this story whenever he and JB are with friends. It really upsets JB and always makes him run crying that it “wasn’t funny.”
Maybe not, but this is: One morning we were all in the bathroom getting ready and JB was jumping around, which is fine and normal for a four year old, but somehow the toilet, with the seat up…I live with boys remember…sucked him backward with a splash. He was soaked, a turtle struggling to free himself from the porcelain monster. Another late day for me. This memory always makes me laugh when KD tells the tale and its now grown to include the fact that he had just finished using the toilet.
I can sympathize with JB on the raisin story and scald KD for telling it, but the toilet one always gets me…JB needs to learn to laugh at himself. I’ve finally gotten KD to the point where he sees the funny in everyday mishaps. I think JB, even though he is the king of comedy, will be a harder nut to crack. How many times can I empathize that it wasn’t funny with a straight face?
Today was a vacation day for me. JB’s preschool had a skating party and he and I spent an hour and a half dancing on ice. He’ll be ready for hockey next year for sure. He asked to go through the drive thru at McDonald’s so I gladly obliged. We had a one o’clock date at KD’s school to help out in his classroom. He was so pleased to have us there. I stapled some Scholastic book orders together and read with a couple of the kids. It was enjoyable to see them participate and I picked up a few pointers on how to make them listen. I also noticed the teacher repeating herself again and again, so I guess it’s not just me that doesn’t get heard the first six times.
I saved three chicken nuggets for KD from lunch, but JB ate one and fed another to Mandy. KD sobbed. We had McDonald’s for dinner. Mother of the Year…I know.
The rain is still coming down and everything glistens as it turns to ice. The driveway was full of wet, heavy slush tonight. “I bet you miss him now,” called a neighbour. Funny, I was just about to yell over, “It feels good to do this myself.” Actually, I could use his plough to stretch out the opening a bit. It’s nice and roomy once you’re in but a bit of a squeeze getting there.
After nearly an hour of hard labour, my driveway is bare.
Every day I walk to work past a drop-in centre. Most days shivering people are standing outside smoking, laughing and hurling playful obscenities at each other, which really doesn’t bother me since I smoke occasionally and can hurl playful obscenities with the best of them. What makes me gag is having to dodge the huge hawkers people leave on the sidewalk, which today were quite frozen, making them even more of a hazard. Imagine slipping on a frozen luggie. It’s a little too much to take on an empty stomach.
I know, that was gross. Want more…check this out…
What happens when your life takes a surprising turn for the better? When your hopes are less than your experience.
I’ve been learning a Kid Rock song “Only God Knows Why” on my guitar. It’s a gift for my nephew who says this song got him through one of the lowest points in his life. He’s ten years my junior and I hate to tell him, but low points are relative. The good part is that each experience makes us stronger. Eventually we’ll find the good in everything we’ve done and everything we’ve left undone. The evolution of a peaceful soul dictates this.
Anyway, he and his wife are taking a trip to Detroit to see Kid Rock in concert. I am not just slightly envious, I actually felt jealous today for the first time in a long time. Deep, real, rib-twisting jealousy that makes you want to spit.
I’m happy for them, but God I wish it were me.
Sitting here
Thinking about nothing
Wondering if it’s true
Lost without you.
Jumping to the beat
Falling for the line
Someone cries tonight
Trying to get it right.
The future holds no promise
And life is where you are
Hang hope on your pain
Run from the rain.
Step back in time
To fix the broken pieces
Look for an edge to hold
And shelter from the cold.
Love falls all around you
Catch it when you can
Somebody will love you
For the little things you do.
Ever since Susan’s assignment, I’ve felt the need to write about “something”. So, I’m posting articles on Helium.com. You can find mine >>here<< just in case you need a fix.
Usual blogging will continue soon…
