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  • Baby

    March 18, 2008
    Motherly Love

    JB wanted to wear a pull-up tonight so I obliged. I know, I know, it’s regressive and not “allowed” by many manuals. But do you know how many months I regained watching him run around in a diaper and a sweatshirt? KD told him he was going to tell everyone. JB didn’t think that was too cool and made him promise not to say. But, it didn’t deter him and he asked for a clean one after his bath, not that there was anything wrong with the first one, except that KD had ripped it open a bit.

    He’ll often ask me to hold him like I did when he was a baby. It’s comforting to him and to me. A second chance really.  He’s sleeping now with a “fresh” diaper. I’m sure it will be dry in the morning. If not, I’ll slap my fingers.

    At night we’ve been watching this show called, “In the Night Garden“. It’s bedtime Teletubbies and starts with a child being put to bed with a gentle massage of the hand and then moves to a wonderland full of little characters and strange happenings. KD and JB love it and it settles them for a good night’s sleep. It’s actually aimed at young children from 1-4, but KD (almost seven) thinks it’s really cool. Perhaps JB can counter KD’s diaper tale. I have to admit, I don’t follow it so well. I’m usually asleep by the time IgglePiggle is finished his waves and giggles.

    The yelling has been silenced these past few days. I’ve resorted to slow, low, deep, whispered requests. Yesterday KD pushed JB off his chair and in my best Horatio Caine, I said, “KD. K-D. You could have hurt him badly. KD. K-D. Don’t. Do that again.”

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  • Just when…

    March 16, 2008
    Just thinking

    You think you’ve got it all covered, the blanket gets yanked away. I was doing so great. Completely involved in myself and my life and having fun discovering so much. I just read my posts from the summer and smash…I crash head-on into myself. How could I have tripped backward? What was I thinking? I won’t close up all the chapters I’ve written this past year and return to my old, tortured self. I’m not quite done with me, but I love where I’m headed. Leave me alone, go away, take a hike. Find your own way home, this cab is taken. I’ll send it back for you. Catch me if you can.

    That’s me…angry at me.

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  • Strings

    March 16, 2008
    Poetry

    A familiar emptiness
    washes over me

    Pain smiles at me
    and laughs at my tears

    Stillness brings no comfort
    I shiver

    Some things you dream about
    are not meant to be

    Why settle for a dream?
    Embrace reality

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  • Beautiful

    March 16, 2008
    Poetry

    Life is beautiful
    beyond the pain
    beyond the sorrow
    beyond the rain

    Take my hand
    I’ll lead the way
    to reveal a glimpse
    of the morrow’s day

    Lost is a place
    full of transient fear
    move a little closer
    the truth in your ear

    It’s up to you
    to make it so
    your soul is screaming
    to let it go

    But fear pulls you back
    and covers your eyes
    the beauty is hidden
    the pain only lies
     

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  • Seeking the safe mode

    March 15, 2008
    Experiences

    So, how many of you wanted to tell me I was supposed to hit the “seek” button after entering the top-secret safe code for my car radio? Driving is a safe adventure once again, or an un-safe adventure, depending on how you look at it.

    I gob of Silly Putty got attached to one of my handmade crocheted doilies. This particular doilie bears sentimental value; it was a wedding gift from someone I really like. My first inclination was to put it in the freezer for a few hours. That worked ok, but didn’t get it all out. My second thought was to figure out what Silly Putty is made of so I could determine the right solvent to dissolve it. But, hey, I’m no chemist so I just Googled “Removing Silly Putty” and found the solution.

    God I love the internet. Rubbing alcohol took it right out. My beautiful doilie will be back on display tomorrow.

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  • Faith

    March 14, 2008
    Poetry

    Following a path
    guided by longing
    tripping on bruises
    and wonder lust

    Something so fierce
    drives me forward
    into the deep
    of misplaced hope

    Hearing the voice
    full of surprise
    listening intently
    with passionate eyes

    Some dreams live
    so faith remains
    some dreams die
    to lighten the load

    If onlys are torture
    demons entangled
    releasing emotion
    to fuel up again 

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  • Safe mode

    March 12, 2008
    Experiences

    Ever since my battery died yesterday morning, my radio hasn’t worked. It’s stuck in safe mode. What a learned last night is that safe mode is the auto-theft feature that makes it worthless to thieves.

    The manual states that driving while listening to the radio can be distracting and you should only listen when it is safe to do so. Well, I have news. Driving while listening to your thoughts is far more dangerous. I’ve been totally distracted. Not to the point of leaving my car in gear in a carwash, but not quite focused on lights, pedestrians and small rodents.

    For some reason, the card in the manual did not include the code. No problem, I could crack it myself. I sat in my driveway determined to try every combination. With four digits from 0 to 9, that’s, well…you do the math, but I’d probably still be there.

    So I called my dealership this morning on my way to work and it turns out they are unable to give me the code over the phone. Ever the online marketer, I asked if they would email it to me; no go.  I rushed there tonight before my guitar lesson to collect the proper digits. A very nice gentleman, whom I hadn’t met before, believed I was actually myself and revealed the combination.

    I skipped, and I do mean that literally, to my car to plug them in. XXX9. No go. With minutes to spare, I rushed back in to break the bad news. He checked the computer once more and then told me that if I had pressed any other number in the last hour, it wouldn’t work. Ok.

    After my lesson, I skipped once more to my car, dreaming of Gretchen Wilson blasting me back to attentive driving. Carefully, I punched in the numbers. Nothing. Then I remembered my guitar lesson is only a 1/2 hour long. Great, another terrifying ride home with my thoughts.

    So, the car sat in my driveway for well over 3 hours without my sticky fingers on the buttons and I just now battled the snow storm to try one more time. Ever the optimist, I turned down the volume and confidently punched in the code. Again, nothing. I’ve given up. Either that’s not my radio or I really f*cked it up trying to pick the lock.  

    Oh, how I desire to sing along, or listen to Louise Hay and drown my thoughts with someone elses.

    But perhaps I’m being too hard on myself, I did have a few meaningful notions today:  go buy that MP3 player you’ve wanted for so long; isn’t it funny that you can’t remember the words if there’s no music; and, do you think I could play Jimmie and drive?

    Oh yeah, two more: what is that thumping sound in the front end, and safe mode makes my radio pretty worthless to me too.

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  • Batteries not included

    March 11, 2008
    Experiences

    March break and the boys are so excited. Monday was a jammie day. How proud they were to roll out of bed and head to their Dad’s for breakfast. Day 2 and KD changed into new jammies this morning ready for another “special” day.

    Ever industrious and helpful, I left them to clean off my car and warm it up. It’s a standard so they couldn’t actually turn it on but had everything else going full throttle. At least until I tried to start the car. Fortunately their Dad is off this week and tripped over in his jammies to give me a boost.

    Breakfast Thursday morning will be on me.

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  • Stronger

    March 11, 2008
    Poetry

    I will not fall back
    helpless in my heart
    I’ll shake the fear of nothing
    and wait without a thought

    Promises made to self
    to leave the pain behind
    and enjoy the sudden thrill
    of laughter and warm times

    No assumptions required
    nor created in my heart
    face the day with brightness
    knowing I’m alright

    If time calls sweetly
    and the message clear
    I’ll sing a new song
    through joyous tears

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  • Patiently…

    March 9, 2008
    Motherly Love

    I scooped up my boys today after two nights with their dad. One had been replaced with a bucket of sauce, sharper and spicier than I ever remember. And, I was not in the physical mood to lay down any harsh correction. I chose to ignore it, at least until bed time when I told him I loved him no matter what but didn’t like his behaviour today. In an act of self pity, he sobbed that nobody loved him. I said that wasn’t true. You don’t like yourself right now because of the way you treated Mommy today. Drop the sauciness and you’ll feel better. They are both resting now, the first quiet moment all day which was filled with lots of boy adventure. I love to watch them and listen to their discoveries. I wish I had the energy to participate more.

    Tomorrow night we’ll have a party for the kids while the mommies relax under the talented hands of our estetician. My affirmation got me through a tough day, although it fell short momentarily. There is only so much sauce you can take before you slip on it and I wiped out big time. But, it was short lived and the rebound was full of hugs and kisses.

    The book 1-2-3 Magic still sits in my bathroom. I need some magic right now.

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